Hooray! Those geniuses at Syfy cannot be stopped. This installment of Creature Feature Sunday looks at that classic tale of top-secret-nanobots-meet-giant-crocodile in Robocroc (2013). They had me at “nature and technology create the world’s most lethal weapon”, frankly.
Let’s be real: the only thing cooler than movie monsters is robots. Robocroc, then, seemed pretty promising as far as concepts go. And yet.
This is how it played out:
- Ooh, a rocket! Is Robocroc from space?
- No, it’s crashing.
- Into a zoo!
- Nanobots! Yay!
- We’re seriously not messing about here – that’s 30 whole seconds of exposition so we’re good to go.
- That is actually more exposition than I anticipated.
- Apparently no one has noticed a crashing rocket: it is business as usual at the zoo.
- Oh my. The effects budget was far lower than expected.
- Corin Nemec is here!
Please help me.
- “You keep forgetting Stella is an Australian saltwater crocodile, not a shih tzu”. Mate, I’ll tell you about shit zoos – you’re in one.
- If there isn’t at least one Streetcar-inspired “STELLAAAAA” in this movie I will be so pissed.
- So, quick review: the army is here, nanobots have got to Stella and turned her into a weapon, space debris was super localised, nothing to see here.
- This also seems to be the bit where the screenwriters wanted to include all the croc facts they found on wikipedia.
- Robocroc-vision keeping us ahead of the game – “reboot”, “momentary paralysis”, “food detected”.
- Stella is losing her hide to a “metallic shimmering substance” which I am guessing is, you know, actual metal and not on-point highlighter.
- Lion enclosure! “The saltwater crocodile is an apex predator” (#crocfacts). Game on!
- Oh, the waterslides are still open. Phew.
- Wait – is the waterpark part of the zoo?
- …
- Seriously?
- Ok then.
- Gratuitous bikini shots.
- Most unbelievable scene so far: two empty sun-lounges next to each other in packed waterpark.
- Comparing scars! Classic movie flirting! Get it, grrl!
- All the lakes, pools, ponds and lagoons are connected underground because it helps save water. Seems like a health concern to me if you’re a zoo-slash-waterpark… but anyway, shit gon’ get real.
- That dude is fishing? What the hell kind of zoo allows fishing?
- …
Totally legitimate zoo activity.
- Seriously.
- Might this now be a good time to evacuate the waterpark, maybe? No? Ok.
- Yawn, this needs to get a move on.
- Stella is a crocodile disco ball!
- I don’t have great eyesight, but surely someone has noticed a 25 foot armoured crocodile moving about the place? It doesn’t exactly scream incognito.
- Oh, they’ve locked people in. Shady government agencies represent.
- I am sure locking that one gate will help contain the situation given all the interconnected pools and stuff.
- “A robot crocodile? Like a Transformer or something? Hehehe, Robocroc”. Hey – that’s the name of the movie.
- There are three ways to shut down the nanobots. Place your bets.
- Awwwww yeah! That’s the money shot – Robocroc just took out a goddamn chopper.
Weeeeeee!
- We’ve called in crocodile hunter backup. Wrestling soon please.
- Scuba diving with tranquilizer guns.
- Electricity!
- Your plan did not foil Robocroc. Robocroc is queen.
- Wrestling. Called it.
- Actually I am totally on Robocroc’s side at this point. These people are the worst.
- Jesus Christ, this movie goes for HOURS. (Actual running time: 81 minutes).
- “Whatever that thing is, it’s still part crocodile”. And part robot. That’s the whole premise. We get it.
- Everyone is in the sewers for some reason? What is even happening?
- “What in a croc’s cooch are you doing here?” QUOTE. OF. THE. MOVIE.
- That is possibly how I will greet people from now on.
- Electromagnetic pulse time.
- No one shouted “Stellaaaaa”. Missed opportunity.
In a nutshell? Genuinely terrible. Robocroc rates 1 out of 5 poorly planned adventure parks.
‘Til next time,
April All Year 