Boasting a tagline of ‘screaming, scratching, biting… and that’s just the girls!’, Mega Python vs Gatoroid (2011) promised to be spectacularly and problematically awful by pitting not only two species of monsters, but also two 80’s pop stars (Tiffany and Debbie Gibson) against each other. We may as well lower our expectations now.

Grab a pizza and a glass of wine. I think we may need it.

1. Rousing soundtrack + Everglades – promising start.
2. People are stealing snakes for some reason.
3. Ohhh they’re releasing them from captivity because they are environmentalists.
4. I must admit I am feeling pretty prepared for this. I have watched a lot of Swamp People.
5. Except they have banned gator hunting this season, you guys!
6. Quality acting all round.
7. Quality scripting also. (“Where is this snake?” / “It’s in my pants, wanna see?”)
8. Python: 1, Gator: 0.
9. It’s a war on snakes!
10. What is this, Whacking Day?
11. Oh. It’s 100% Whacking Day.
12. Heads can stay alive without their body for up to an hour. I think we’d do well to remember that, folks!
13. “Pythons aren’t at the top of the food chain. I am!” You tell ’em, Tiff!
14. Oh, that nest bodes poorly for Perfect Boyfriend.
15. Snake movies: there is always one poor bastard just tryin’ to pee.
16. Aww, bye Perfect Boyfriend. You were too sweet to live.
17. “We need a bigger gator!” Best!
18. They’ve scored some experimental steroids from a random muscle bro. For indefinite muscle growth. Science!
19. Ohhhhh, that’s the ‘roid’ in ‘Gatoroid’. I geddit.
20. “Feeding steroids to gators. What could go wrong?” ACTUAL QUOTE.
21. Gator growth montage! Yeah!
22. Did one of the gators just do a push up?
23. 6 months later and everything is fine, you guys.
24. Wait, is the whole soundtrack Tiffany/Debbie Gibson songs?
25. It bloody is.
26. This is not fine.
27. “You’re gonna get it you gator-baiting bitch!”
28. Oh lord, an actual Tiffany vs Debbie cat fight. Yay feminism.
29. …
30. Those were conveniently-placed cream pies.
31. So a horde of gators and pythons are converging on the party. Remember how this movie was meant to be about them and not Tiffany vs Debbie?
32. No? Me neither.
33. Everyone took guns to the fancy party. ‘Murica!
34. “I think we’re alone now.” (I see what you did there).
35. It’s suddenly day time and their hair hasn’t even dried.
36. The gators and pythons have hit Miami!
37. The mall is having a ‘monster Saturday sale’. Zing!
38. Spraying pheromones from a crop duster to lure them down the highway? Genius!
39. We have to stay away from that there nuclear facility, he said with a complete lack of foreshadowing.
40. “You saved my life!” / “We’re stuck in this together!” #girlpower
41. No, wait. They hate each other again.
42. Sigh.
43. Hold the phone! Did they just KILL OFF TIFFANY?!
44. What the HELL.
45. Not Debbie too!
46. No, she’s alive and just being showered with the body parts of blown-up pythons and gators.
47. Oh hey, remember that thing about heads staying alive for an hour without a body?
48. I called that!
49. I was wrong about that whole nuclear facility having anything to do with anything though.
50. Weird.

I’m pretty sad that this was not so much Mega Python vs Gatoroid as Tiffany vs Debbie (it’s like 1987 all over again). In fact, the snakes and gators worked better together than any of the people. So ultimately, who won? Not us, my friends. Not us.

Mega Python vs Gatoroid rates 1 out of 5 ‘roided-up swamp things.

‘Til next time,