I can’t remember who told me about Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre (2015), but here we are. I think this one might actually hurt.

1. Let’s jump right in. Fracking activity seems to have unleashed a spiny prehistoric swamp shark from the depths of the earth.
2. The Arkansas Department of Corrections has opted for tiny denim shorts and little white singlets as their prison uniform of choice.
   

   White and denim is the new orange is the new… oh, you get it. Source.

3. “Ain’t a real man deserve a brewksi?” #scripting #acting #fracking
4. That’s what you get for drinking on the job, bucko. Shark 1.
5. Traci Lords is a cop with a newbie sidekick. I predict he will be the first ‘character’ to go.
6. They’ve stumbled upon bodies inland. Let us speculate over cause of death.
7. There’s a survivor! He says shark. I think. His ‘traumatised’ acting is awful and incoherent so it’s hard to tell.
8. Let’s introduce the prisoners – not with names but with a list of their crimes. One of them is in for bootlegging movies. You wouldn’t steal a handbag, you guys.
9. I am unclear what the purpose of the prisoners’ hard labour is, except for there to be a cleavage-filled digging montage. What are they digging for? We’ll never know.
10. When you cut your arm and go wash the wound in muddy swamp water… #justbmoviethings
11. Oh well. Better death by prehistoric shark than septicaemia I suppose.
12. “Let’s hope this is one big misunderstanding.” What, you mean the whole movie?
13. So this is actually a mass break out attempt.
14. With lines like “to be continued, sweetheart – we’re in the middle of a felony here”, this may be the worst thing I have ever seen.
15. Can the sharks just eat everyone? Please?
16. Better change clothes out of those really obvious prison uniforms.
17. One of the guards has made a break for it. Shocking chase scene editing (legs / other legs / legs / other legs / legs / other legs).
18. Run, Guard dude, run as fast as you can away from this trainwreck.
19. Aww no. There he goes.
20. They are literally heading to a cabin in the woods.
21. Let’s all argue about how terrible this plan is. What a good use of movie time.
22. They keep calling the Asian prisoner ‘Soy Sauce’. I wish I was lying. What. The. What.
23. Weird scene about a vintage glass coke bottle? “None of this plastic. It must have been here 80 years.”
24. In a movie with a couple of porn stars, the line “let’s have a hot bath before bed” did not result in nudity of any kind.
25. Where the hell are these goddamn sharks in this goddamn massacre?
26. Oh wait.
27. They can SWIM THROUGH LAND.
28. ….
29. THROUGH LAND!
30. I think, if I was to make a trashy horror movie drinking game, ‘blood cloud in water’ would be a definite drink.
31. Hmmm. Must make trashy horror movie drinking game.
32. Peaches and beans?! Is that a thing?
33. I googled. It’s a thing.
34. Geologists are here to save the day / explain situation / be weirdly dressed like a cuban detective.
35. They’ve been monitoring vibrations. “You mean like ‘good vibrations’, the song?” (Still no nudity).
36. So, to sum up: Professor Geologist reckons the nearby fracking activity has opened a SUPER HIGHWAY between the earth’s surface and a vast underground ocean.
37. Sharkosaurus. He just said sharkosaurus!
38. “Do you think we can make it?” We, the viewers? Not a chance.
    

    ‘Protect yourselves from these great shark effects!’ Source.

39. Love is blossoming, you guys! Him: “What do you do when you’re not fleeing prehistoric monsters?” Her: “Five to ten”.
40. They’ve found a secret cache of weapons and Professor Geologist has filled them in on a range of useful shark facts (guess he had a double major).
41. The plan seems to be to go underground. Even though the sharks are from underground.
42. Um, so, the sharks talk to each other like whales.
43. Hey look, I’m all for character traits and whatnot but having this chick continually say “crap on a cracker” does not equal characterisation.
44. Where the heck are these sharks? Not nearly enough people have died to call this a massacre.
45. Are these cops doing anything? What even is this storyline?
46. Far out. This movie is still going.
47. This inflatable raft doesn’t seem like a terrible idea AT ALL.
48. We’ve nearly escaped with our lives so let’s start shooting at the guard who saved us for some reason!
49. Blood cloud! (Drink!)
50. Annnd the guard is letting the Asian prisoner go. Probably because they were heaps racist towards her.

Honestly, and my standards for this sort of thing are pretty low, you would think busty women fighting land sharks would somehow be more over-the-top and stupidly fun, right? It was just a bit safe and a bit boring. And those sharks only killed about 10 people. Where was my schlocky gorefest? You promised me a massacre!

Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre rates 1 out of 5 blood clouds in water.

‘Til next time,