It’s Sunday afternoon and my eyes hurt. It’s more likely caused by the smoky bonfire I went to last night than from watching Ghost Shark (2013), but I’m fairly certain Ghost Shark did nothing to help. Let’s jump right in…

1. You can rarely go wrong with redneck fishermen as your opener, and that’s a creature feature fact.
2. They are shooting at a great white with a handgun.
3. And they have a GRENADE! This is excellent.
4. Poor old sharky has swum his way to a cave to die but the cave is *gasp* some kind of supernatural portally thing?
5. Ghost Shark is bright blue! And translucent! And DOES NOT MESS ABOUT.
6. What is a shark movie without gratuitous bikini shots?
7. There is a crotchety old alcoholic lighthouse keeper. How refreshing.
8. “You think ghosts are illogical, Sheriff?” (To which my response would probably be: ‘yes, in the context of quality police work if nothing else’, but I am not in the movie).
9. Classic Shark Movie Mayor. Check.
10. “The pool party. What if we turn it into a memorial?” (Like, are you after a list of reasons why that is a horrible idea or…? Again, I am not in the movie.)
11. So Ghost Shark can manifest in ANY water. ANY water!
12. Good job it’s a pool party!
13. Ghost Shark has crashed the party via the swimming pool, and a decapitated head just landed on a champagne bottle.
14. Cheers!
15. I mean, it IS awkward that the party was at Classic Shark Movie Mayor’s house.
16. Quick montage of car wash, plumber working on kitchen sink, backyard slip n slide. Were the writers on a round of Family Feud where the question was “places you find water”?
17. SHARK IN A BUCKET OH MY GOD ALL IS FORGIVEN THIS IS AMAZING! 
18. Do lighthouses have basements? This one does. Is that weird, being built on the coast and all? Anyone with expertise please advise.
19. Bath tub #placesyoufindwater.
20. Fashion tip: rather than seeking medical assistance, use a number of decorative belts as a tourniquet, then affect an unconvincing limp.
21. “It appears in water. Any water. All we gotta do is stay dry.” GENIUS. I mean, that is much of the premise but I am glad we’re all on the same page now.
22. Museum Exposition Guy has just filled us in on the legend of some lost colony that disappeared forever, town elders keeping it under wraps, blah blah.
23. Anyone who dies violently in the magical cave will rise again to take their revenge. Again, that seemed kind of obvious but thanks for being there, Museum Exposition Guy.
24. Oh no, the spell book with the instructions on how to send vengeful spirits back to hell has been stolen! Of all the times!
25. Spell book? Lame.
26. Oh wait, this is a movie about a bright blue, translucent ghost shark.
27. …..
28. We’ll just run with the spell book thing then.
29. Fire sprinklers! #placesyoufindwater
30. This poor bastard was literally only drinking a cup of water:
31. #placesyoufindwater
32. NO ONE IS SAFE FROM GHOST SHARK.
33. Fire hydrant! #placesyoufindwater
34. Toilet! #placesyoufindwater
35. So long, Classic Shark Movie Mayor. You were a shit dude.
36. Evidently, at least according to that stolen spell book, the object that killed Ghost Shark can send him back to hell or whatever.
37. ….
38. But it sure didn’t work.
39. Oh man, this movie isn’t even close to being over, is it?
40. Wait what, Crotchety Lighthouse Keeper got drunk and murdered his wife in the cave a bunch of years ago?
41. What?
42. Things got weirdly dark for a minute there.
43. Stealing a bunch of dynamite is the next logical step.
44. Rain! #placesyoufindwater
45. Ghost Shark is literally diving out of the sky!
46. It’s like Sharknado but somehow less endearing.
47. Puddles! #placesyoufindwater
48. “Bite me, you bitch!”
49. SLOW MOTION RUNNING AWAY FROM EXPLOSION!
50. See you in hell, Ghost Shark!

Ghost Shark rates 2 out of 5 vengeful, translucent spirits.

‘Til next time,