Hi there!

Long time, no see. Have you been working out? Your hair looks amazing.

This week I got really excited when my Insta mate Dylan from @badhorror alerted me to the existence of a flick that seemed to be my absolute ideal holiday viewing: when Christmas movie meets extreme weather movie in 2012’s Christmas Twister.

Christmas Twister! Chris-Twis. Chris-ter. Twist-mas! The possibilities are endless and, even better, Casper Van Dien is there. I mean, come ON!

BUT ALAS. While there are some genuinely inexplicable titles available on tubi (I’m looking at you, Gingerbread Man vs Evil Bong), Australian streaming services let me down yet again and I was stuck watching a terribly rendered version of Christmas Twister on youtube. Such is my dedication to the cause. So look, I suffered through it and here we are again. Merry Christmas.

 

1. Right off the bat, I have a genuine question: do those paper windmill things exist outside of weather movies?

2. Radio exposition is the laziest exposition and would hundo p be on my low grade horror movie drinking game.

3. Yes, I said hundo p. I know, I know.

4. Looks like they had to pay for the effects budget from my savings account (which is to say they had about $80).

5. Casper Van Dien got old, you guys!

6. Remember Starship Troopers? Classic. Wish I was watching that instead of this.

7. There’s a dog! If the dog dies, we riot.

8. They are really pushing Casper Van Dien’s character as The Ideal Man (TM). Wonder if he will get his shirt off for no reason.

9. If you’re not tidying up your Christmas manger lawn display on your way to study tornadoes are you even a good Texan?

10. At least they have clarified this is indeed a Christmas movie.

11. This movie was made in 2012 but Casper Van Dien’s floppy hair is right out of 2001.

12. There is a lot of talking head exposition happening right now, about ‘hook echoes’ and climate change.

13. “Thanks to years of abuse the environment has finally reached breaking point.” Wait, wait, wait – this movie is actually making a statement about climate change?!

14. I thought it was going to be about a sentient murderous tornado or something.

15. … I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am more than happy to be proven wrong.

16. I just googled ‘hook echo’ and it’s a thing. Also possibly a good band name.

17. Generic sassy children always suck in these movies. No exception here, yawn.

18. Lots of foreboding sky shots.

19. You know what? My dream is to play a random citizen in a movie who says “what the?!” just as the tornado / blizzard / tsunami / creature / volcano / all of the above strikes.

20. I probably would be the idiot instagramming the incoming tornado though. It’s good to acknowledge your own faults.

21. Am I disappointed that this movie is genuinely about climate change and not a sentient murderous tornado or similar?

22. Yes.

23. I mean, logically, no.

24. But yes.

25. “Severe Tornado Outbreak!” (Better band name).

26. “I know this is your issue – that climate change is affecting the weather – but that has got us into trouble before” (and will again, I’d wager #science #climateactionnow )

27. Is the message of this movie – THIS movie! – to actually listen to scientists because they are right about climate change?! Because that’s amazing and bless them and well done.

28. And also, HOW is that actually the message? I LOVE it.

29. Why am I not married to Casper Van Dien and his woke floppy hair?

30. Twister! Right hand yellow! (Kidding, just a regular twister – still not sentient and murderous).

31. “The city needs you there – on TV – telling them how to feel safe.”

32. Extreme weather is the key to fixing your marital problems, you guys.

33. Here are some random carolers to remind you this movie is actually set at Christmas time.

34. Doggo! No! Stay inside!

35. Christ! We’re only halfway through. Be strong, friends.

36. Mall Santa! #genericchristmasthings

37. Doggo just wandering around town demonstrating how CGI Chris-Twis has (offscreen) turned everything to rubble.

38. A ‘slow drive through aftermath’ is the new ‘blood cloud in the water’ for when your effects budget is limited, is it not?

39. “Hello?”

40. Hi! I’m Chris-Twis. Looks like you’re denying climate change. Would you like to die by horrible CGI?

41. How to make a montage: slow motion, smoke, piano and drums, EMOTIONS.

42. Doggo! Where are you going? Why do you have your own storyline? Is it better than the main one?

43. I mean I have no doubt that it would be.

44. And how is this still going?

45. The Christmas aspect of this movie is a real let down, frankly.

46. Except now everyone is back in love!

47. Cue shots of sky / flags / patriotism / cows / oil etc.

48. Shirtless! Called it.

49. Doggo is home

50. “Merry Christmas”.

Christmas Twister rates half a CGI tornado out of 5. You can catch me and my new band Severe Tornado Outbreak playing soon at a gig near you.

‘Til next time,