Monthly Archives: June 2021

On wardrobe malfunctions

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Ah, the wardrobe malfunction. You know it, I know it. Everyone has had them from minor to extreme and they always, always suck. Somehow this week I’ve managed to have several, which in isolation would have been fine, but as a group seemed pretty close to being the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Which has me thinking, somewhat whimsically, if the prominence of wardrobe malfunctions is somehow reflecting the state of my life? Things have really felt off kilter this week. Workplace frustration and overwhelm, anxiety being all pushy, cold days pissing buckets… but really the list starts and ends with this feeling of ‘what now?’ because things feel sort of stilted and stuck and this can’t, surely, be it.

The thing is, it hasn’t all been laddered stockings and new knitwear catching on every sharp object within a 30 mile radius – though that has certainly been in the mix.

The kicker was a trip to my local shopping centre with an enormous split up the back seam of my jeans…

(Please send flowers to the cemetery as I am now deceased).

Any semblance of put-together-ness has disappeared in a hail of pulled threads and exposed underwear. That tiny, flickering light that shone because I was an adult human capable of navigating life? Replaced by the high burning inferno of embarrassment.

Correlation does not always equal causation but I’m asking the question anyway, because I don’t feel like I’ve ever accidentally exposed my bits when things have been feeling especially magical. Have I subconsciously willed these incidences into being through my own special brand of malaise? Is it like how clutter can affect your brain or how skinny jeans prevent proper hip extension which has its own rebound effects? More realistically, are wardrobe malfunctions a metaphor… for life?

These are the questions I have.

Regardless, the solution seems to be always wear good underwear and don’t cheap out on your hosiery so if you need me I’ll be at the shops (online, not in person obviously, because I am clearly never leaving the house again).

‘Til next time,

CREATURE FEATURE SUNDAY: 50 Thoughts While Watching Bermuda Tentacles (2014)

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It’s a long weekend and my plans got cancelled so what better time to settle in for some terrible movie viewing? No better time, I tell you. None whatsoever.

When I was a kid I was quite interested in science-y mysteries (also really into horses and Egypt, but those two aren’t relevant here). The Bermuda Triangle, then, was right up my alley. Unexplained disappearances over decades?! Whole ships vanishing with no trace and no explanation? Why was no one more concerned by this? Anyway, long story short – had Syfy’s 2014 Bermuda Tenatcles been set anywhere else I would have been less likely to tune in.

And would have saved myself from a really woeful 90 minutes.

This was not AT ALL the movie I was expecting, but far from that being a welcome surprise, it only made it less endearing. Here are my 50 thoughts…

  1. Starting strong with Air Force One navigating an electrical storm. Mr Pres seems a good dude and the storm effects are suitably rubbish.

2. “We’re flying over the Bermuda Triangle” is seamless exposition, frankly.

3. HIGH TECH ESCAPE POD!

4. Credits: ok, they actually got some recognisable names for this one. Colour me intrigued.

“Help! Our careers!”

5. Slo mo Navy Seals intro montage! They’re like a military boy band! Here to rescue the President!

6. Admiral Linda Hamilton is taking no shit.

7. She hates the Chief guy! He hates her! Conflict!

7. Ruh-roh! There’s something in the water!

8. (That would be the titular tentacles).

9. Jaime Kennedy is here and talking about bio electro genesis or something? Guess he’s our generic science dude.

10. Oh, they’re tube worms.

11. Sorry. TUBE WORMS? What??

12. Do worms have tentacles? (*googles*)

13. Ok fine. Imagine if they had called it Bermuda Worms though…

14. Let’s introduce Mya with unnecessary detail for exposition reasons.

15. PROTOTYPE SUBMERSIBLE! “I’m with you, Chief!” “Let’s rock!” “Other generic ‘go team’ sentiment!”

16. #patriotism

17. Here’s some backstory masquerading as character development. Smooth.

18. Less than 3 hours to find the escape pod and save the President!

19. Less than 3 minutes til I lose my will to live!

20. A specimen for scientific examination! What could go wrong?

21. Oh, the tentacles are from something much bigger.

22. ALIEN TUBE WORMS, YOU GUYS!

23. Less than an hour to find the escape pod and save the President!

24. Underwater cavern / airplane graveyard situation.

25. Meanwhile the tentacles are just out here flinging fighter jets from the sky.

26. 45 minutes!

27. “This would explain the Bermuda Triangle.”

28. I mean… sure.

29. *gets bored and googles Bermuda Triangle for approx 15 minutes*

30. They found the pod!

31. But now there is a weird flying drone shooting lightning at them?

32. I must say, I was not expecting aliens to this degree.

33. Ok, it’s actually an alien city somehow and there are lightning panels and a need to power down and some other waffle.

34. More #patriotism

35. Alien city has gone all Independence Day and is taking out ships and coastline with a big ol’ beam.

36. The highly scientific data screen readings don’t at all seem to match what they are talking about.

37. Let’s get nuclear!

38. No wait, we’re going to go all Death Star and fly in to shoot at the ship from within instead.

39. HANG ON are they honestly trying to manufacture chemistry between Mya and the Chief with 10 mins left in the movie?

40. Yes, they are.

41. Come on, screenwriters!

42. Now they need to wait until after the next attack for the ship to be vulnerable for some reason.

43. Seeya, random beach goers!

44. Now we’re flying a chopper inside the space ship.

45. The big boom thing.

46. LOTS of ‘we saved the day’ power music.

47. Like, LOTS.

48. Everyone is friends or suddenly romantically involved.

49. Yeeesh.

50. The end.

Bermuda Tentacles can go back to being lost in the Bermuda Triangle. It rates 1 out of 5 alien tube worms.

‘Til next time,

Done is better than perfect

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A conversation at work this week reminded me of something I have been working on for some time – the idea that done is better than perfect. It seems simple enough, but I’m such a poster child for perfectionism that it can be a genuine struggle. Here’s the problem: when you want things to be just so it can be nigh on impossible to let things just be. And in a hectic, fast-paced world where deadlines are tight and the hustle is standard, chasing perfection can be a real problem. Sure, it feels productive to examine and re-examine, to think and re-think, to re-jig and tweak looking for perfection in every minute detail… The kicker, though? It ain’t. It’s procrastination at best, crippling at worst.

And I do it ALL. THE. TIME.

If you haven’t heard of her already, Brené Brown is a researcher on shame and vulnerability and her book The Gifts of Imperfection is a true life-changer. It’s one of those books that makes you go “get out of my brain!”. Of perfection, Brown says:

“Perfection is self destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perfection, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.”

Check out her Ted Talks, seriously.

So the difference, in getting things done over getting things perfect, is a kind of self-compassion.

This is a learning I am taking to creative pursuits in writing, blogging, art and more. That cheery little bubbly feeling when something is actually done? That’s a sense of accomplishment worth eleventy billion times more than the pressure of striving for perfection. How many things have I not started / not finished / not even considered simply because my inner critic said they would be less then perfect and therefore worthless? How much joy did I miss out on in not-doing?

Do the thing – it’s very often worth the risk.

(This post? Not perfect, but bloody D O N E, and that’s pretty fab).

‘Til next time,

RECAP: Reading | Watching | Loving – May 2021

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Something something, back from the dead… I know, folks. I KNOW. A solid year and then some, and here we are like nothing ever happened. My sweet zombie blog is back, limping its awkward shuffle, looking a little less fleshy and a bit green around the edges. Nice to see you, to see you nice.

I’ve had an inkling to resurrect this little old thing for some time. Let’s start gently with a little recap of the month that was…

READING
Technically this list is for both April and May, but I make the rules here so them’s the breaks. This delish little pile featured teen saviours turned mixed up adults thrust back into the world-saving business, women shaping the first dictionary, familial mystery and obsession, parallel universes, books that felt like a big, warm hug and a borrowed book that had a lot of potential but, for me, didn’t deliver.

A stack of books read during April and May.
  • The Amber Amulet – Craig Silvey (3 stars)
  • Jitterbug Perfume – Tom Robbins (2 stars)
  • Chosen Ones – Veronica Roth (3.5 stars)
  • Last Night in Montreal – Emily St John Mandel (3 stars)
  • The Dictionary of Lost Words – Pip Williams (4 stars)
  • The Midnight Library – Matt Haig (4 stars)

WATCHING
As someone who spends a considerable amount of time on their couch, I’m always binging two or three shows at a time. In a global pandemic world, I’ve been most enjoying easy-watch, no-fuss viewing, opting to comfort and familiarity over anything too confronting or challenging. What can I say? The world is confronting and challenging enough right now.

  • Girls5eva, from creator Meredith Scardino (of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt fame) was an unexpected, hilarious delight. The cast is very good and the writing solid. I ate up all 8 eps in a flash.
  • Always a sucker for an underdog story and a fan of America Ferrera, Ugly Betty made for a good 4 season binge. It hasn’t aged well in some regards (particularly its take on transgender storylines) but broadly it’s quite a fun time. Where it succeeds is in its balance of convoluted telenovela plotting with a thoughtful treatment of familial relationships within Betty’s own family. Certainly a precursor to Jane the Virgin (which probably did these things much better but without the fabulous outfits).
  • Younger S4. Meh. Time to wrap this one up for sure. That said I am enjoying seeing how many ways they try to hide Hilary Duff’s very obvious pregnancy (holding big things, mostly).
  • After revisiting the low-budget/high-fun OG Buffy movie recently, I decided to give Buffy S1 a rewatch and one thing’s for sure – it’s been too long. Mad props for the early eps laying such a strong foundation of Angel’s storyline so early and special mention to Giles’s scarves. (Also RIP low-waisted jeans – let’s hope the current 90s inspired fashion trends don’t bring this back).
Scarf game strong. Source

LOVING
May always feels like one of those awkward, in-between months, but there were certainly some highlights. I flew on a plane for the first time in over a year, celebrated a milestone birthday (not mine) with the fam for a delightfully wintery beach holiday, got excited about hat weather (berets are back, you guys!) and dead set LOVED all the things in the Princess Highway AW21 collection. Really I should be diverting a portion of my salary there every fortnight. Send help.

‘Til next time,