It’s a long weekend and my plans got cancelled so what better time to settle in for some terrible movie viewing? No better time, I tell you. None whatsoever.
When I was a kid I was quite interested in science-y mysteries (also really into horses and Egypt, but those two aren’t relevant here). The Bermuda Triangle, then, was right up my alley. Unexplained disappearances over decades?! Whole ships vanishing with no trace and no explanation? Why was no one more concerned by this? Anyway, long story short – had Syfy’s 2014 Bermuda Tenatcles been set anywhere else I would have been less likely to tune in.
And would have saved myself from a really woeful 90 minutes.
This was not AT ALL the movie I was expecting, but far from that being a welcome surprise, it only made it less endearing. Here are my 50 thoughts…
- Starting strong with Air Force One navigating an electrical storm. Mr Pres seems a good dude and the storm effects are suitably rubbish.
2. “We’re flying over the Bermuda Triangle” is seamless exposition, frankly.
3. HIGH TECH ESCAPE POD!
4. Credits: ok, they actually got some recognisable names for this one. Colour me intrigued.
5. Slo mo Navy Seals intro montage! They’re like a military boy band! Here to rescue the President!
6. Admiral Linda Hamilton is taking no shit.
7. She hates the Chief guy! He hates her! Conflict!
7. Ruh-roh! There’s something in the water!
8. (That would be the titular tentacles).
9. Jaime Kennedy is here and talking about bio electro genesis or something? Guess he’s our generic science dude.
10. Oh, they’re tube worms.
11. Sorry. TUBE WORMS? What??
12. Do worms have tentacles? (*googles*)
13. Ok fine. Imagine if they had called it Bermuda Worms though…
14. Let’s introduce Mya with unnecessary detail for exposition reasons.
15. PROTOTYPE SUBMERSIBLE! “I’m with you, Chief!” “Let’s rock!” “Other generic ‘go team’ sentiment!”
16. #patriotism
17. Here’s some backstory masquerading as character development. Smooth.
18. Less than 3 hours to find the escape pod and save the President!
19. Less than 3 minutes til I lose my will to live!
20. A specimen for scientific examination! What could go wrong?
21. Oh, the tentacles are from something much bigger.
22. ALIEN TUBE WORMS, YOU GUYS!
23. Less than an hour to find the escape pod and save the President!
24. Underwater cavern / airplane graveyard situation.
25. Meanwhile the tentacles are just out here flinging fighter jets from the sky.
26. 45 minutes!
27. “This would explain the Bermuda Triangle.”
28. I mean… sure.
29. *gets bored and googles Bermuda Triangle for approx 15 minutes*
30. They found the pod!
31. But now there is a weird flying drone shooting lightning at them?
32. I must say, I was not expecting aliens to this degree.
33. Ok, it’s actually an alien city somehow and there are lightning panels and a need to power down and some other waffle.
34. More #patriotism
35. Alien city has gone all Independence Day and is taking out ships and coastline with a big ol’ beam.
36. The highly scientific data screen readings don’t at all seem to match what they are talking about.
37. Let’s get nuclear!
38. No wait, we’re going to go all Death Star and fly in to shoot at the ship from within instead.
39. HANG ON are they honestly trying to manufacture chemistry between Mya and the Chief with 10 mins left in the movie?
40. Yes, they are.
41. Come on, screenwriters!
42. Now they need to wait until after the next attack for the ship to be vulnerable for some reason.
43. Seeya, random beach goers!
44. Now we’re flying a chopper inside the space ship.
45. The big boom thing.
46. LOTS of ‘we saved the day’ power music.
47. Like, LOTS.
48. Everyone is friends or suddenly romantically involved.
49. Yeeesh.
50. The end.
Bermuda Tentacles can go back to being lost in the Bermuda Triangle. It rates 1 out of 5 alien tube worms.
‘Til next time,
April All Year 
Sounds like it would make a good drinking game