Category Archives: General

RECAP: Reading | Watching | Loving – July/August 2021

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I’m a smidge behind on recaps for no very good reason, other than who I am as a person. We crossed the middle of the year in a heartbeat though, didn’t we? Only four months left of 2021 and I’m still not entirely sure what happened to 2020 if I am honest. Time is a lie and all that jazz.

READING

July reads:

  • The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet – Becky Chambers (3.5 stars)
  • The Bass Rock – Evie Wyld (4 stars)
  • Outlawed – Anna North (3 stars)
  • Circe – Madeline Miller (4 stars)
  • Shackleton’s Epic – Tim Jarvis (3 stars)

August reads:

  • Dune – Frank Herbert (4 stars)
  • My Brilliant Friend – Elena Ferrante (3 stars)
  • Alias Grace – Margaret Atwood (5 stars)
  • Anansi Boys – Neil Gaiman (5 stars)
  • The Death of Noah Glass – Gail Jones (2 stars)

WATCHING

COVID lockdown and a non-COVID lurgie meant I spent quite a bit of time with my TV over the last couple of months.

  • Loki, season 1. This is so, sooo good overall but the ending felt like a bit of a let down to me, for seeming more in service to what Marvel Studios need for their next phase than in service to the story of this particular show. That said, fab writing, acting and visuals and yes please, more thanks.
  • Never Have I Ever, season 2. Devi is complete chaos and I love it.
  • Dr Death. Really good, tense viewing. The writing was well done and the acting impressive. Related: Christian Slater got old but I 100% still would.
  • Buffy, season 4 and two episodes of season 5. You know, just when you think you’re over the slump of the whole Initiative storyline they go and introduce a little sister for Buffy. And it sucks. It’s very clear that Joss and the team really shifted their focus to…
  • Angel, season 1. Frankly it was a stroke of genius to use Angel to create a super fun LA noir supernatural detective situation. Also the way this series turns some of Buffy‘s least endearing characters into interesting people in their own right is masterful.
  • Hacks, season 1. Didn’t think I was going to dig this but it ended up being complex and darkly funny. Jean Smart is as good as everyone says.
  • AP Bio, season 4. I have such a soft spot for this show! Very into Glen Howerton and his cardigans and the episode where the students write fan fiction shipping the teachers is solid gold.
  • A ridiculous amount of rom coms. I was sick, ok? I needed light viewing and despite my icy exterior* I am a sucker for romance. Still, even I know to admit that I hit the bottom of the barrel and started digging (I see you, Amanda Bynes movies). Honestly, I’ve broken my algorithm so thoroughly we may never recover. Have you noticed how characters in these movies propose – actually propose! – when they’ve known each other for about three weeks? Mate, I’ve known eligible bachelors for 10+ years and still no one wants to marry me.
Hi, we’re interesting now. (image source).

LOVING

Spring trying its very best to get here, with sweet little ducklings waddling around and blossom on the air and actual sunshine to bask in like a cat. Hands down my favourite season and I am so ready to not need seventy billion layers of clothes and to always carry an umbrella.

‘Til next time,

*yes, I know this is a thing I don’t actually have, but I try OK?

Birthday

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It’s my birthday. Last year on my birthday I shared a little list of things I find to be true, and I thought it was worth resharing, with an extra one for the extra trip around the sun. 39 seems ancient when you’re a kid, but I’m finding it’s not really very old after all.

Ask me again next year though. Yikes.

Birthday wisdom:

Maybe it’s a very human thing to not feel the age you are. In any case, it’s true today. Here are some other truths I have learned; one for each year I’ve circled the sun. Like a lot of lessons, some I forget and need to learn again. Some are big, some are small, some are easy, some are hard, and if that’s not true of years as well as lessons, I don’t know what is.

1. No one has a clue what they are doing.
2. Introversion is not a weakness.
3. A book you enjoy reading is a good book, no matter the reviews.
4. There is no good reason for dyeing your hair black using packet colour.
5. Love who you love and love them hard because you don’t know when you’ll lose them.
6. Saying no is ok.
7. Saying yes is ok.
8. Not knowing is ok.
9. You can’t do everything.
10. People who don’t like pickles can’t be trusted.
11. Thoughts are not facts.
12. Not everyone will like you, you won’t like everyone, and that’s ok.
13. Always wear sunscreen.
14. Life is too short for ugly shoes.
15. People who feel like sunshine are rare so hold onto them.
16. There are some things you just can’t fix.
17. You don’t need that shot of tequila.
18. Asking for help is ok.
19. Trusting your gut is good but sometimes your gut has shit for brains.
20. Cheese is the glue that holds life together.
21. You can’t please everyone and you shouldn’t want to.
22. Some people can’t wear yellow. I’m some people.
23. A good cup of tea is its own reward.
24. Hard work doesn’t always equal success.
25. There are no rules for human emotion.
26. Don’t wax your eyebrows if you have been drinking wine.
27. Jurassic Park is a perfect movie.
28. Ignoring what you need gets you into trouble.
29. Literally no one is watching; they are all caught up in their own shit.
30. You can never have too many polka dot dresses.
31. Always sleep on big decisions.
32. You’ll always be a little bit sad about some things.
33. People’s behaviour says more about them than you.
34. Oxford commas are important.
35. Pizza > abs.
36. You can plan for every scenario and still be wrong.
37. The best people love you because you’re a dork, not even though you’re a dork. 38. Caffeine is not a substitute for sleep.
39. The sun rises, every damn day.

Happy birthday to me!

‘Til next time,

RECAP: Reading | Watching | Loving – June 2021

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First thing’s first. Let’s all agree that it’s perfectly flipping bonkers to be six months into twenty-bloody-twenty-one. It seems like only a handful of weeks ago we were toasting to the demise of 2020, gleeful at the prospect of a better year and all that Auld Lang Syne-y jazz.

And look at us.

Just LOOK at us.

Half the country in lockdown thanks to the Covid Delta strain running rampant from coast to coast . We’re pretty lucky here in Adelaide, but restrictions are back, interstate borders are closed and yesterday I got my face mask all tangled in my earrings while my glasses fogged up like it was 2020 all over again, so yeah. Pandemic times, they sure do go on.

Now we’ve dispensed with the obligatory ‘march of time’ sentiment that accompanies the EOFY so nicely and rued the relentlessness of corona-times, let’s review the heck out of June and it’s delightfully mask-free happenings…

READING

I’m feeling like I’m back to my bookish best after a slight reading slump. A good day spent sipping coffee and rummaging through a bunch of local secondhand bookstores with a friend was a welcome treat, and winter weather is just built for hibernation with a book in hand and a cat on lap.

  • Snow – Gina Inverarity (5 stars)
  • Artemis – Andy Weir (2 stars)
  • The Southern Book Club’s Guide to Slaying Vampires – Grady Hendrix (4.5 stars)
  • Jonathan Unleashed – Meg Rosoff (3 stars)
  • There Was Still Love – Favel Parrett (3 star)
  • If You’re Reading This I’m Already Dead – Andrew Nicoll (2 stars)

WATCHING

  • Friends: The Reunion. This was 100% not what I was expecting. More tellingly, it’s not what I wanted. Is that because I actually didn’t want it at all?
  • The Mandalorian, S1. Yes, I’m horribly late to the party on this because I was adamant that I wasn’t forking out for yet another streaming service but I finally made it, you guys! Gosh, it’s a bit spaghetti western meets Star Wars and I ain’t mad about it at all. Delightful.
  • Superstore, S6. There’s a challenge for any show that has a ‘lead + ensemble’ cast to turn it into a genuine ensemble when the lead leaves. Sure, New Girl was a far better show for that chunk of time without Zooey Deschanel (fight me) but without Amy’s character bringing a sense of normality and balance to Superstore’s cast of madcaps, there’s just something missing. It’s still good, but not as good. All the feels for the last ep though. All of them!
  • Inexplicably, a bunch of Hugh Grant movies. I can’t even begin to explain this but I have a new fascination with how Hughey G is making some smart choices when it comes to transitioning his particular schtick into some surprisingly age-appropriate and marginally decent roles. More on this later, probably.

LOVING

I don’t know my neighbours very well but this sweet little system has come about where we trade cat food that we’ve tried our (apparently very fussy) cats on unsuccessfully. Waste not, want not and all that. It would be nice to have this little bit of community at any time but it seems especially nice during the pandemic when people are feeling more isolated than ever. Having had some very awful neighbours, this is just lovely and goes to prove: cat people are the best people.

‘Til next time,

On wardrobe malfunctions

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Ah, the wardrobe malfunction. You know it, I know it. Everyone has had them from minor to extreme and they always, always suck. Somehow this week I’ve managed to have several, which in isolation would have been fine, but as a group seemed pretty close to being the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Which has me thinking, somewhat whimsically, if the prominence of wardrobe malfunctions is somehow reflecting the state of my life? Things have really felt off kilter this week. Workplace frustration and overwhelm, anxiety being all pushy, cold days pissing buckets… but really the list starts and ends with this feeling of ‘what now?’ because things feel sort of stilted and stuck and this can’t, surely, be it.

The thing is, it hasn’t all been laddered stockings and new knitwear catching on every sharp object within a 30 mile radius – though that has certainly been in the mix.

The kicker was a trip to my local shopping centre with an enormous split up the back seam of my jeans…

(Please send flowers to the cemetery as I am now deceased).

Any semblance of put-together-ness has disappeared in a hail of pulled threads and exposed underwear. That tiny, flickering light that shone because I was an adult human capable of navigating life? Replaced by the high burning inferno of embarrassment.

Correlation does not always equal causation but I’m asking the question anyway, because I don’t feel like I’ve ever accidentally exposed my bits when things have been feeling especially magical. Have I subconsciously willed these incidences into being through my own special brand of malaise? Is it like how clutter can affect your brain or how skinny jeans prevent proper hip extension which has its own rebound effects? More realistically, are wardrobe malfunctions a metaphor… for life?

These are the questions I have.

Regardless, the solution seems to be always wear good underwear and don’t cheap out on your hosiery so if you need me I’ll be at the shops (online, not in person obviously, because I am clearly never leaving the house again).

‘Til next time,

CREATURE FEATURE SUNDAY: 50 Thoughts While Watching Bermuda Tentacles (2014)

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It’s a long weekend and my plans got cancelled so what better time to settle in for some terrible movie viewing? No better time, I tell you. None whatsoever.

When I was a kid I was quite interested in science-y mysteries (also really into horses and Egypt, but those two aren’t relevant here). The Bermuda Triangle, then, was right up my alley. Unexplained disappearances over decades?! Whole ships vanishing with no trace and no explanation? Why was no one more concerned by this? Anyway, long story short – had Syfy’s 2014 Bermuda Tenatcles been set anywhere else I would have been less likely to tune in.

And would have saved myself from a really woeful 90 minutes.

This was not AT ALL the movie I was expecting, but far from that being a welcome surprise, it only made it less endearing. Here are my 50 thoughts…

  1. Starting strong with Air Force One navigating an electrical storm. Mr Pres seems a good dude and the storm effects are suitably rubbish.

2. “We’re flying over the Bermuda Triangle” is seamless exposition, frankly.

3. HIGH TECH ESCAPE POD!

4. Credits: ok, they actually got some recognisable names for this one. Colour me intrigued.

“Help! Our careers!”

5. Slo mo Navy Seals intro montage! They’re like a military boy band! Here to rescue the President!

6. Admiral Linda Hamilton is taking no shit.

7. She hates the Chief guy! He hates her! Conflict!

7. Ruh-roh! There’s something in the water!

8. (That would be the titular tentacles).

9. Jaime Kennedy is here and talking about bio electro genesis or something? Guess he’s our generic science dude.

10. Oh, they’re tube worms.

11. Sorry. TUBE WORMS? What??

12. Do worms have tentacles? (*googles*)

13. Ok fine. Imagine if they had called it Bermuda Worms though…

14. Let’s introduce Mya with unnecessary detail for exposition reasons.

15. PROTOTYPE SUBMERSIBLE! “I’m with you, Chief!” “Let’s rock!” “Other generic ‘go team’ sentiment!”

16. #patriotism

17. Here’s some backstory masquerading as character development. Smooth.

18. Less than 3 hours to find the escape pod and save the President!

19. Less than 3 minutes til I lose my will to live!

20. A specimen for scientific examination! What could go wrong?

21. Oh, the tentacles are from something much bigger.

22. ALIEN TUBE WORMS, YOU GUYS!

23. Less than an hour to find the escape pod and save the President!

24. Underwater cavern / airplane graveyard situation.

25. Meanwhile the tentacles are just out here flinging fighter jets from the sky.

26. 45 minutes!

27. “This would explain the Bermuda Triangle.”

28. I mean… sure.

29. *gets bored and googles Bermuda Triangle for approx 15 minutes*

30. They found the pod!

31. But now there is a weird flying drone shooting lightning at them?

32. I must say, I was not expecting aliens to this degree.

33. Ok, it’s actually an alien city somehow and there are lightning panels and a need to power down and some other waffle.

34. More #patriotism

35. Alien city has gone all Independence Day and is taking out ships and coastline with a big ol’ beam.

36. The highly scientific data screen readings don’t at all seem to match what they are talking about.

37. Let’s get nuclear!

38. No wait, we’re going to go all Death Star and fly in to shoot at the ship from within instead.

39. HANG ON are they honestly trying to manufacture chemistry between Mya and the Chief with 10 mins left in the movie?

40. Yes, they are.

41. Come on, screenwriters!

42. Now they need to wait until after the next attack for the ship to be vulnerable for some reason.

43. Seeya, random beach goers!

44. Now we’re flying a chopper inside the space ship.

45. The big boom thing.

46. LOTS of ‘we saved the day’ power music.

47. Like, LOTS.

48. Everyone is friends or suddenly romantically involved.

49. Yeeesh.

50. The end.

Bermuda Tentacles can go back to being lost in the Bermuda Triangle. It rates 1 out of 5 alien tube worms.

‘Til next time,

Done is better than perfect

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A conversation at work this week reminded me of something I have been working on for some time – the idea that done is better than perfect. It seems simple enough, but I’m such a poster child for perfectionism that it can be a genuine struggle. Here’s the problem: when you want things to be just so it can be nigh on impossible to let things just be. And in a hectic, fast-paced world where deadlines are tight and the hustle is standard, chasing perfection can be a real problem. Sure, it feels productive to examine and re-examine, to think and re-think, to re-jig and tweak looking for perfection in every minute detail… The kicker, though? It ain’t. It’s procrastination at best, crippling at worst.

And I do it ALL. THE. TIME.

If you haven’t heard of her already, Brené Brown is a researcher on shame and vulnerability and her book The Gifts of Imperfection is a true life-changer. It’s one of those books that makes you go “get out of my brain!”. Of perfection, Brown says:

“Perfection is self destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception – we want to be perceived as perfect. Again, this is unattainable – there is no way to control perfection, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying.”

Check out her Ted Talks, seriously.

So the difference, in getting things done over getting things perfect, is a kind of self-compassion.

This is a learning I am taking to creative pursuits in writing, blogging, art and more. That cheery little bubbly feeling when something is actually done? That’s a sense of accomplishment worth eleventy billion times more than the pressure of striving for perfection. How many things have I not started / not finished / not even considered simply because my inner critic said they would be less then perfect and therefore worthless? How much joy did I miss out on in not-doing?

Do the thing – it’s very often worth the risk.

(This post? Not perfect, but bloody D O N E, and that’s pretty fab).

‘Til next time,

RECAP: Reading | Watching | Loving – May 2021

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Something something, back from the dead… I know, folks. I KNOW. A solid year and then some, and here we are like nothing ever happened. My sweet zombie blog is back, limping its awkward shuffle, looking a little less fleshy and a bit green around the edges. Nice to see you, to see you nice.

I’ve had an inkling to resurrect this little old thing for some time. Let’s start gently with a little recap of the month that was…

READING
Technically this list is for both April and May, but I make the rules here so them’s the breaks. This delish little pile featured teen saviours turned mixed up adults thrust back into the world-saving business, women shaping the first dictionary, familial mystery and obsession, parallel universes, books that felt like a big, warm hug and a borrowed book that had a lot of potential but, for me, didn’t deliver.

A stack of books read during April and May.
  • The Amber Amulet – Craig Silvey (3 stars)
  • Jitterbug Perfume – Tom Robbins (2 stars)
  • Chosen Ones – Veronica Roth (3.5 stars)
  • Last Night in Montreal – Emily St John Mandel (3 stars)
  • The Dictionary of Lost Words – Pip Williams (4 stars)
  • The Midnight Library – Matt Haig (4 stars)

WATCHING
As someone who spends a considerable amount of time on their couch, I’m always binging two or three shows at a time. In a global pandemic world, I’ve been most enjoying easy-watch, no-fuss viewing, opting to comfort and familiarity over anything too confronting or challenging. What can I say? The world is confronting and challenging enough right now.

  • Girls5eva, from creator Meredith Scardino (of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt fame) was an unexpected, hilarious delight. The cast is very good and the writing solid. I ate up all 8 eps in a flash.
  • Always a sucker for an underdog story and a fan of America Ferrera, Ugly Betty made for a good 4 season binge. It hasn’t aged well in some regards (particularly its take on transgender storylines) but broadly it’s quite a fun time. Where it succeeds is in its balance of convoluted telenovela plotting with a thoughtful treatment of familial relationships within Betty’s own family. Certainly a precursor to Jane the Virgin (which probably did these things much better but without the fabulous outfits).
  • Younger S4. Meh. Time to wrap this one up for sure. That said I am enjoying seeing how many ways they try to hide Hilary Duff’s very obvious pregnancy (holding big things, mostly).
  • After revisiting the low-budget/high-fun OG Buffy movie recently, I decided to give Buffy S1 a rewatch and one thing’s for sure – it’s been too long. Mad props for the early eps laying such a strong foundation of Angel’s storyline so early and special mention to Giles’s scarves. (Also RIP low-waisted jeans – let’s hope the current 90s inspired fashion trends don’t bring this back).
Scarf game strong. Source

LOVING
May always feels like one of those awkward, in-between months, but there were certainly some highlights. I flew on a plane for the first time in over a year, celebrated a milestone birthday (not mine) with the fam for a delightfully wintery beach holiday, got excited about hat weather (berets are back, you guys!) and dead set LOVED all the things in the Princess Highway AW21 collection. Really I should be diverting a portion of my salary there every fortnight. Send help.

‘Til next time,

CREATURE FEATURE SUNDAY: 50 Thoughts While Watching Tyrannosaurus Wrecks (2006)

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Look, when you’re practising social distancing and feeling all the feelings because of COVID-19 and trying not to think about what it means for your job, your friends, your family, your health, and cursing those wankers who spent the day on Bondi Beach yesterday, what you really need is an escaped dinosaur rampaging through the modern age. It’s science, ok?

Seriously though, I hope you’re all managing to keep safe and sane in this crazy new reality. Please make sure you’re taking time to look after your mental as well as physical health, doing virtual check-ins with friends, and catching up on all the binge watching your heart desires (for me: The X-Files and The Office).

Now. Today seemed an excellent time to bring back #creaturefeaturesunday and without further ado I give you 50 thoughts while watching Tyrannosaurus Wrecks (aka The Eden Formula)…

  1. Wowsers, the opening credits are ultra low budget, complete with swooshing sounds for each name that appears on screen. *swoosh!*
  2. “Smith Laboratories?” “No, Smith and Wesson”, pew pew. Holy shit, this is amazing. I love it already,.
  3. Hey, it’s that guy from things!
  4. Candyman? Was he the Candyman? (Later: Google confirms he, being Tony Todd, is from many great films including a turn as the hook-handed Candyman in 1992’s Candyman).

    download (2)

    You know, this guy.

  5. Oh, the scientists have done the bad thing, you guys.
  6. If you’re not wearing a beret or sunglasses to your heist are you even part of a heist?
  7. Person 1: “Silent but deadly.” Person 2: “Like a fart in church.” #writing
  8. Hahaha oh my god, this is terrible.
  9. Scientists have cloned a dinosaur because anything less dangerous wouldn’t be ‘sexy enough’ for investors.

    tumblr_og0srwzxqm1qelk0yo1_1280

    How do you like me now?

  10. But like, it’s 2006. Haven’t you watched at least three Jurassic Park movies to know this is a horrible idea?
  11. T-wrecks trying to headbutt its way out of the facility is SFX gold.
  12. “Phase two: rock and roll” is the title of my autobiography.
  13. Meanwhile, T-wrecks is still headbutting the wall.
  14. Giant dino poop. High brow.

    images

    “I’m gonna need a bigger bucket”

  15. Hahaha oh my god, the death effects are brilliant.
  16. Cop with a hunch! Yes! Every movie needs one.
  17. The fight scenes are like … Year 10 drama class bad.
  18. T-wrecks is a terrible dino puppet, by the way. I love him!
    download
    His little arms! I die!
  19. The effects are INCREDIBLE.
  20. Oh, and there is a huge bomb for some reason.
  21. These generic heist characters are hilarious.
  22. The cop has kids! As well as a hunch! It’s tough to be a hero!
  23. Oh no, it’s the food buzzer!
  24. “Holy crap cakes”?! Why I have I not been saying this for years?
  25. Wait, they killed the cop?! I did not see that coming.
  26. #acting
  27. 2006. Just going to remind you all this was made in 2006.
  28. I’m 42 minutes into a 78 minute movie and even I’m not sure if I’ll make it.
  29. My friends choreographed better fight scenes than this for their student movies at uni.
  30. Omg though, the movie within a movie is solid freakin’ gold. Can I watch that instead?
  31. They really worked hard for that “it’s sore, not dinosaur” bit. And I’m here for it!
  32. I actually can’t even remember what the actual plot is.
  33. Right, right. The formula.
  34. Person 1: “You never had a girlfriend, did you?” Person 2: “I’m gay.” WHAT IS HAPPENING?
  35. Honestly, where is the science lady driving??
  36. Weird time to add in some ex-military backstory, but ok.
  37.  I still don’t care.
  38. Oh yeah, there’s still a bomb.
  39. Who is the hero in this movie now the cop-with-a-hunch is dead? Who am I rooting for?
  40. Maybe the T-wrecks?

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    Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?

  41. Are they trying to make it the Science Guy? But it’s all his fault!
  42. This.
  43. Oh BOOM, Security Guy is a turncoat!
  44. Or is the Science Lady now the hero? Honestly this makes no sense.
  45. WHO IS THE PROTAGONIST HERE?
  46. Omg, the blood effects are amazing though.
  47. Oh, so the whole effects budget went on that one explosion. Ok.
  48. Hahaha the boom boxes, what the heck.
  49. Climactic action scene is beyond ridiculous.
  50. What did I just watch? Please send help.

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks was a low budget delight, despite having little plot and no actual protagonist. It rates 2 out of 5 over-sized dino poops.

‘Til next time,

Sig

 

2019 in Books

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In 2019, I read some very fine books and a handful I thoroughly disliked. I joined a book club (briefly). I made a real effort to do #nonfictionnovember and even remembered to Instagram my reads every month. Look, I made them into a flashy gif:

20191231_083427

(Don’t look at it too long, it might give you a seizure).

Here are some statistics, because statistics can be fun…

  • I read 20,320 pages over 65 books.
  • The shortest was a book of poetry by Mary Oliver (Blue Horses), clocking in at just 83 pages.
  • The longest was Hanya Yanagihara’s heart-wrenching A Little Life (720 pages). 
  • 68% (44 books) were written by women.
  • 15% (10 books) were written by Australian women.
  • 15% (10 books) were non-fiction.
  • I am notoriously tough with my 5 star ratings, giving them to only 12% (8 books).
  • 29% (19 books) rated 4 stars.
  • 9% (6 books) rated 2 stars or below.

Here’s the full 65, with the books I rated as 5 Star Reads in bold:

  1. All the Light We Cannot See – Anthony Doerr
  2. How to Be a Woman – Caitlin Moran
  3. Miss Kopp Just Won’t Quit – Amy Stewart
  4. Eleven Hours – Paullina Simons
  5. City of the Beasts – Isabel Allende
  6. Burial Rites – Hannah Kent
  7. The Museum of Modern Love – Heather Rose
  8. All the Anxious Girls on Earth – Zsuzsi Gartner
  9. The Boy on the Bridge – M.R. Carey
  10. Lola Bensky – Lily Brett
  11. We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves – Karen Joy Fowler
  12. The Dry – Jane Harper
  13. The Big Sleep – Raymond Chandler
  14. See What I Have Done – Sarah Schmidt
  15. I’ll Never Get Out of This World Alive – Steve Earle
  16. Daring Greatly – Brene Brown
  17. The Crow Road – Iain Banks
  18. Room – Emma Donoghue
  19. War Storm – Victoria Aveyard
  20. Pink Mountain on Locust Island – Jamie Marina Lau
  21. All the Birds, Singing – Evie Wyld
  22. Black Swan Green – David Mitchell
  23. A Little Life – Hanya Yanagihara
  24. Blue Horses – Mary Oliver
  25. The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy – Tim Burton
  26. The Natural Way of Things – Charlotte Wood
  27. First, We Make the Beast Beautiful – Sarah Wilson
  28. The Midwich Cuckoos – John Wyndham
  29. Daisy Jones & The Six – Taylor Jenkins Reid
  30. Looking for Alaska – John Green
  31. Play It As It Lays – Joan Didion
  32. I Love Dick – Chris Kraus
  33. Congo –  Michael Crichton
  34. Normal People – Sally Rooney
  35. Only the Animals – Ceridwen Dovey
  36. Juliet, Naked – Nick Hornby
  37. Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
  38. The Silence of the Girls – Pat Barker
  39. The Boneless Mercies – April Genevieve Tucholke
  40. Fleishman is in Trouble – Taffy Brodesser-Akner
  41. Lies Sleeping – Ben Aaronovitch
  42. The Furthest Station – Ben Aaronovitch
  43. Write Away – Elizabeth George
  44. Beloved – Toni Morrison
  45. Big Little Lies – Liane Moriarty
  46. The Miracle at Speedy Motors – Alexander McCall Smith
  47. Ancillary Justice – Ann Leckie
  48. Life After Life – Kate Atkinson
  49. The Time Machine – H.G. Wells
  50. Tell-All – Chuck Palahniuk
  51. Autumn – Ali Smith
  52. Dear Fahrenheit 451: Love Notes and Heartbreak in the Stacks – Annie Spence
  53. Ghost Wall – Sarah Moss
  54. Bel Canto – Ann Patchett
  55. The Haunting of Hill House – Shirley Jackson
  56. A Complicated Kindness – Miriam Toews
  57. Kopp Sisters on the March – Amy Stewart
  58. Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men – Caroline Criado-Perez
  59. A Dream About Lightning Bugs: A Life of Music and Cheap Lessons – Ben Folds
  60. The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself – Michael A Singer
  61. Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls – David Sedaris
  62. Quiet Girls Can Run The World: The Beta Woman’s Guide to the Modern Workplace – Rebecca Holman
  63. Native Tongue – Suzette Haden Elgin
  64. Dracul – Dacre Stoker & J.D. Barker
  65. Eleanor & Park – Rainbow Rowell

 

 

 

50 Thoughts While Watching Christmas Twister (2012)

Posted in General, Watching by

Hi there!

Long time, no see. Have you been working out? Your hair looks amazing.

This week I got really excited when my Insta mate Dylan from @badhorror alerted me to the existence of a flick that seemed to be my absolute ideal holiday viewing: when Christmas movie meets extreme weather movie in 2012’s Christmas Twister.

Christmas Twister! Chris-Twis. Chris-ter. Twist-mas! The possibilities are endless and, even better, Casper Van Dien is there. I mean, come ON!

BUT ALAS. While there are some genuinely inexplicable titles available on tubi (I’m looking at you, Gingerbread Man vs Evil Bong), Australian streaming services let me down yet again and I was stuck watching a terribly rendered version of Christmas Twister on youtube. Such is my dedication to the cause. So look, I suffered through it and here we are again. Merry Christmas.

 

1. Right off the bat, I have a genuine question: do those paper windmill things exist outside of weather movies?

widmill

You know, these things.

2. Radio exposition is the laziest exposition and would hundo p be on my low grade horror movie drinking game.

3. Yes, I said hundo p. I know, I know.

4. Looks like they had to pay for the effects budget from my savings account (which is to say they had about $80).

5. Casper Van Dien got old, you guys!

6. Remember Starship Troopers? Classic. Wish I was watching that instead of this.

7. There’s a dog! If the dog dies, we riot.

8. They are really pushing Casper Van Dien’s character as The Ideal Man (TM). Wonder if he will get his shirt off for no reason.

th

The Ideal Man (TM)

9. If you’re not tidying up your Christmas manger lawn display on your way to study tornadoes are you even a good Texan?

10. At least they have clarified this is indeed a Christmas movie.

11. This movie was made in 2012 but Casper Van Dien’s floppy hair is right out of 2001.

12. There is a lot of talking head exposition happening right now, about ‘hook echoes’ and climate change.

13. “Thanks to years of abuse the environment has finally reached breaking point.” Wait, wait, wait – this movie is actually making a statement about climate change?!

14. I thought it was going to be about a sentient murderous tornado or something.

15. … I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am more than happy to be proven wrong.

16. I just googled ‘hook echo’ and it’s a thing. Also possibly a good band name.

17. Generic sassy children always suck in these movies. No exception here, yawn.

18. Lots of foreboding sky shots.

19. You know what? My dream is to play a random citizen in a movie who says “what the?!” just as the tornado / blizzard / tsunami / creature / volcano / all of the above strikes.

20. I probably would be the idiot instagramming the incoming tornado though. It’s good to acknowledge your own faults.

21. Am I disappointed that this movie is genuinely about climate change and not a sentient murderous tornado or similar?

22. Yes.

23. I mean, logically, no.

24. But yes.

25. “Severe Tornado Outbreak!” (Better band name).

26. “I know this is your issue – that climate change is affecting the weather – but that has got us into trouble before” (and will again, I’d wager #science #climateactionnow )

27. Is the message of this movie – THIS movie! – to actually listen to scientists because they are right about climate change?! Because that’s amazing and bless them and well done.

28. And also, HOW is that actually the message? I LOVE it.

29. Why am I not married to Casper Van Dien and his woke floppy hair?

30. Twister! Right hand yellow! (Kidding, just a regular twister – still not sentient and murderous).

twister

See what I did there?

31. “The city needs you there – on TV – telling them how to feel safe.”

32. Extreme weather is the key to fixing your marital problems, you guys.

33. Here are some random carolers to remind you this movie is actually set at Christmas time.

34. Doggo! No! Stay inside!

35. Christ! We’re only halfway through. Be strong, friends.

36. Mall Santa! #genericchristmasthings

37. Doggo just wandering around town demonstrating how CGI Chris-Twis has (offscreen) turned everything to rubble.

38. A ‘slow drive through aftermath’ is the new ‘blood cloud in the water’ for when your effects budget is limited, is it not?

39. “Hello?”

clippy

40. Hi! I’m Chris-Twis. Looks like you’re denying climate change. Would you like to die by horrible CGI?

41. How to make a montage: slow motion, smoke, piano and drums, EMOTIONS.

42. Doggo! Where are you going? Why do you have your own storyline? Is it better than the main one?

43. I mean I have no doubt that it would be.

44. And how is this still going?

45. The Christmas aspect of this movie is a real let down, frankly.

46. Except now everyone is back in love!

47. Cue shots of sky / flags / patriotism / cows / oil etc.

48. Shirtless! Called it.

49. Doggo is home

50. “Merry Christmas”.

Christmas Twister rates half a CGI tornado out of 5. You can catch me and my new band Severe Tornado Outbreak playing soon at a gig near you.

‘Til next time,

Sig