Category Archives: Watching

RECAP: Reading | Watching | Loving – July/August 2021

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I’m a smidge behind on recaps for no very good reason, other than who I am as a person. We crossed the middle of the year in a heartbeat though, didn’t we? Only four months left of 2021 and I’m still not entirely sure what happened to 2020 if I am honest. Time is a lie and all that jazz.

READING

July reads:

  • The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet – Becky Chambers (3.5 stars)
  • The Bass Rock – Evie Wyld (4 stars)
  • Outlawed – Anna North (3 stars)
  • Circe – Madeline Miller (4 stars)
  • Shackleton’s Epic – Tim Jarvis (3 stars)

August reads:

  • Dune – Frank Herbert (4 stars)
  • My Brilliant Friend – Elena Ferrante (3 stars)
  • Alias Grace – Margaret Atwood (5 stars)
  • Anansi Boys – Neil Gaiman (5 stars)
  • The Death of Noah Glass – Gail Jones (2 stars)

WATCHING

COVID lockdown and a non-COVID lurgie meant I spent quite a bit of time with my TV over the last couple of months.

  • Loki, season 1. This is so, sooo good overall but the ending felt like a bit of a let down to me, for seeming more in service to what Marvel Studios need for their next phase than in service to the story of this particular show. That said, fab writing, acting and visuals and yes please, more thanks.
  • Never Have I Ever, season 2. Devi is complete chaos and I love it.
  • Dr Death. Really good, tense viewing. The writing was well done and the acting impressive. Related: Christian Slater got old but I 100% still would.
  • Buffy, season 4 and two episodes of season 5. You know, just when you think you’re over the slump of the whole Initiative storyline they go and introduce a little sister for Buffy. And it sucks. It’s very clear that Joss and the team really shifted their focus to…
  • Angel, season 1. Frankly it was a stroke of genius to use Angel to create a super fun LA noir supernatural detective situation. Also the way this series turns some of Buffy‘s least endearing characters into interesting people in their own right is masterful.
  • Hacks, season 1. Didn’t think I was going to dig this but it ended up being complex and darkly funny. Jean Smart is as good as everyone says.
  • AP Bio, season 4. I have such a soft spot for this show! Very into Glen Howerton and his cardigans and the episode where the students write fan fiction shipping the teachers is solid gold.
  • A ridiculous amount of rom coms. I was sick, ok? I needed light viewing and despite my icy exterior* I am a sucker for romance. Still, even I know to admit that I hit the bottom of the barrel and started digging (I see you, Amanda Bynes movies). Honestly, I’ve broken my algorithm so thoroughly we may never recover. Have you noticed how characters in these movies propose – actually propose! – when they’ve known each other for about three weeks? Mate, I’ve known eligible bachelors for 10+ years and still no one wants to marry me.
Hi, we’re interesting now. (image source).

LOVING

Spring trying its very best to get here, with sweet little ducklings waddling around and blossom on the air and actual sunshine to bask in like a cat. Hands down my favourite season and I am so ready to not need seventy billion layers of clothes and to always carry an umbrella.

‘Til next time,

*yes, I know this is a thing I don’t actually have, but I try OK?

RECAP: Reading | Watching | Loving – June 2021

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First thing’s first. Let’s all agree that it’s perfectly flipping bonkers to be six months into twenty-bloody-twenty-one. It seems like only a handful of weeks ago we were toasting to the demise of 2020, gleeful at the prospect of a better year and all that Auld Lang Syne-y jazz.

And look at us.

Just LOOK at us.

Half the country in lockdown thanks to the Covid Delta strain running rampant from coast to coast . We’re pretty lucky here in Adelaide, but restrictions are back, interstate borders are closed and yesterday I got my face mask all tangled in my earrings while my glasses fogged up like it was 2020 all over again, so yeah. Pandemic times, they sure do go on.

Now we’ve dispensed with the obligatory ‘march of time’ sentiment that accompanies the EOFY so nicely and rued the relentlessness of corona-times, let’s review the heck out of June and it’s delightfully mask-free happenings…

READING

I’m feeling like I’m back to my bookish best after a slight reading slump. A good day spent sipping coffee and rummaging through a bunch of local secondhand bookstores with a friend was a welcome treat, and winter weather is just built for hibernation with a book in hand and a cat on lap.

  • Snow – Gina Inverarity (5 stars)
  • Artemis – Andy Weir (2 stars)
  • The Southern Book Club’s Guide to Slaying Vampires – Grady Hendrix (4.5 stars)
  • Jonathan Unleashed – Meg Rosoff (3 stars)
  • There Was Still Love – Favel Parrett (3 star)
  • If You’re Reading This I’m Already Dead – Andrew Nicoll (2 stars)

WATCHING

  • Friends: The Reunion. This was 100% not what I was expecting. More tellingly, it’s not what I wanted. Is that because I actually didn’t want it at all?
  • The Mandalorian, S1. Yes, I’m horribly late to the party on this because I was adamant that I wasn’t forking out for yet another streaming service but I finally made it, you guys! Gosh, it’s a bit spaghetti western meets Star Wars and I ain’t mad about it at all. Delightful.
  • Superstore, S6. There’s a challenge for any show that has a ‘lead + ensemble’ cast to turn it into a genuine ensemble when the lead leaves. Sure, New Girl was a far better show for that chunk of time without Zooey Deschanel (fight me) but without Amy’s character bringing a sense of normality and balance to Superstore’s cast of madcaps, there’s just something missing. It’s still good, but not as good. All the feels for the last ep though. All of them!
  • Inexplicably, a bunch of Hugh Grant movies. I can’t even begin to explain this but I have a new fascination with how Hughey G is making some smart choices when it comes to transitioning his particular schtick into some surprisingly age-appropriate and marginally decent roles. More on this later, probably.

LOVING

I don’t know my neighbours very well but this sweet little system has come about where we trade cat food that we’ve tried our (apparently very fussy) cats on unsuccessfully. Waste not, want not and all that. It would be nice to have this little bit of community at any time but it seems especially nice during the pandemic when people are feeling more isolated than ever. Having had some very awful neighbours, this is just lovely and goes to prove: cat people are the best people.

‘Til next time,

CREATURE FEATURE SUNDAY: 50 Thoughts While Watching Bermuda Tentacles (2014)

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It’s a long weekend and my plans got cancelled so what better time to settle in for some terrible movie viewing? No better time, I tell you. None whatsoever.

When I was a kid I was quite interested in science-y mysteries (also really into horses and Egypt, but those two aren’t relevant here). The Bermuda Triangle, then, was right up my alley. Unexplained disappearances over decades?! Whole ships vanishing with no trace and no explanation? Why was no one more concerned by this? Anyway, long story short – had Syfy’s 2014 Bermuda Tenatcles been set anywhere else I would have been less likely to tune in.

And would have saved myself from a really woeful 90 minutes.

This was not AT ALL the movie I was expecting, but far from that being a welcome surprise, it only made it less endearing. Here are my 50 thoughts…

  1. Starting strong with Air Force One navigating an electrical storm. Mr Pres seems a good dude and the storm effects are suitably rubbish.

2. “We’re flying over the Bermuda Triangle” is seamless exposition, frankly.

3. HIGH TECH ESCAPE POD!

4. Credits: ok, they actually got some recognisable names for this one. Colour me intrigued.

“Help! Our careers!”

5. Slo mo Navy Seals intro montage! They’re like a military boy band! Here to rescue the President!

6. Admiral Linda Hamilton is taking no shit.

7. She hates the Chief guy! He hates her! Conflict!

7. Ruh-roh! There’s something in the water!

8. (That would be the titular tentacles).

9. Jaime Kennedy is here and talking about bio electro genesis or something? Guess he’s our generic science dude.

10. Oh, they’re tube worms.

11. Sorry. TUBE WORMS? What??

12. Do worms have tentacles? (*googles*)

13. Ok fine. Imagine if they had called it Bermuda Worms though…

14. Let’s introduce Mya with unnecessary detail for exposition reasons.

15. PROTOTYPE SUBMERSIBLE! “I’m with you, Chief!” “Let’s rock!” “Other generic ‘go team’ sentiment!”

16. #patriotism

17. Here’s some backstory masquerading as character development. Smooth.

18. Less than 3 hours to find the escape pod and save the President!

19. Less than 3 minutes til I lose my will to live!

20. A specimen for scientific examination! What could go wrong?

21. Oh, the tentacles are from something much bigger.

22. ALIEN TUBE WORMS, YOU GUYS!

23. Less than an hour to find the escape pod and save the President!

24. Underwater cavern / airplane graveyard situation.

25. Meanwhile the tentacles are just out here flinging fighter jets from the sky.

26. 45 minutes!

27. “This would explain the Bermuda Triangle.”

28. I mean… sure.

29. *gets bored and googles Bermuda Triangle for approx 15 minutes*

30. They found the pod!

31. But now there is a weird flying drone shooting lightning at them?

32. I must say, I was not expecting aliens to this degree.

33. Ok, it’s actually an alien city somehow and there are lightning panels and a need to power down and some other waffle.

34. More #patriotism

35. Alien city has gone all Independence Day and is taking out ships and coastline with a big ol’ beam.

36. The highly scientific data screen readings don’t at all seem to match what they are talking about.

37. Let’s get nuclear!

38. No wait, we’re going to go all Death Star and fly in to shoot at the ship from within instead.

39. HANG ON are they honestly trying to manufacture chemistry between Mya and the Chief with 10 mins left in the movie?

40. Yes, they are.

41. Come on, screenwriters!

42. Now they need to wait until after the next attack for the ship to be vulnerable for some reason.

43. Seeya, random beach goers!

44. Now we’re flying a chopper inside the space ship.

45. The big boom thing.

46. LOTS of ‘we saved the day’ power music.

47. Like, LOTS.

48. Everyone is friends or suddenly romantically involved.

49. Yeeesh.

50. The end.

Bermuda Tentacles can go back to being lost in the Bermuda Triangle. It rates 1 out of 5 alien tube worms.

‘Til next time,

RECAP: Reading | Watching | Loving – May 2021

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Something something, back from the dead… I know, folks. I KNOW. A solid year and then some, and here we are like nothing ever happened. My sweet zombie blog is back, limping its awkward shuffle, looking a little less fleshy and a bit green around the edges. Nice to see you, to see you nice.

I’ve had an inkling to resurrect this little old thing for some time. Let’s start gently with a little recap of the month that was…

READING
Technically this list is for both April and May, but I make the rules here so them’s the breaks. This delish little pile featured teen saviours turned mixed up adults thrust back into the world-saving business, women shaping the first dictionary, familial mystery and obsession, parallel universes, books that felt like a big, warm hug and a borrowed book that had a lot of potential but, for me, didn’t deliver.

A stack of books read during April and May.
  • The Amber Amulet – Craig Silvey (3 stars)
  • Jitterbug Perfume – Tom Robbins (2 stars)
  • Chosen Ones – Veronica Roth (3.5 stars)
  • Last Night in Montreal – Emily St John Mandel (3 stars)
  • The Dictionary of Lost Words – Pip Williams (4 stars)
  • The Midnight Library – Matt Haig (4 stars)

WATCHING
As someone who spends a considerable amount of time on their couch, I’m always binging two or three shows at a time. In a global pandemic world, I’ve been most enjoying easy-watch, no-fuss viewing, opting to comfort and familiarity over anything too confronting or challenging. What can I say? The world is confronting and challenging enough right now.

  • Girls5eva, from creator Meredith Scardino (of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt fame) was an unexpected, hilarious delight. The cast is very good and the writing solid. I ate up all 8 eps in a flash.
  • Always a sucker for an underdog story and a fan of America Ferrera, Ugly Betty made for a good 4 season binge. It hasn’t aged well in some regards (particularly its take on transgender storylines) but broadly it’s quite a fun time. Where it succeeds is in its balance of convoluted telenovela plotting with a thoughtful treatment of familial relationships within Betty’s own family. Certainly a precursor to Jane the Virgin (which probably did these things much better but without the fabulous outfits).
  • Younger S4. Meh. Time to wrap this one up for sure. That said I am enjoying seeing how many ways they try to hide Hilary Duff’s very obvious pregnancy (holding big things, mostly).
  • After revisiting the low-budget/high-fun OG Buffy movie recently, I decided to give Buffy S1 a rewatch and one thing’s for sure – it’s been too long. Mad props for the early eps laying such a strong foundation of Angel’s storyline so early and special mention to Giles’s scarves. (Also RIP low-waisted jeans – let’s hope the current 90s inspired fashion trends don’t bring this back).
Scarf game strong. Source

LOVING
May always feels like one of those awkward, in-between months, but there were certainly some highlights. I flew on a plane for the first time in over a year, celebrated a milestone birthday (not mine) with the fam for a delightfully wintery beach holiday, got excited about hat weather (berets are back, you guys!) and dead set LOVED all the things in the Princess Highway AW21 collection. Really I should be diverting a portion of my salary there every fortnight. Send help.

‘Til next time,

CREATURE FEATURE SUNDAY: 50 Thoughts While Watching Tyrannosaurus Wrecks (2006)

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Look, when you’re practising social distancing and feeling all the feelings because of COVID-19 and trying not to think about what it means for your job, your friends, your family, your health, and cursing those wankers who spent the day on Bondi Beach yesterday, what you really need is an escaped dinosaur rampaging through the modern age. It’s science, ok?

Seriously though, I hope you’re all managing to keep safe and sane in this crazy new reality. Please make sure you’re taking time to look after your mental as well as physical health, doing virtual check-ins with friends, and catching up on all the binge watching your heart desires (for me: The X-Files and The Office).

Now. Today seemed an excellent time to bring back #creaturefeaturesunday and without further ado I give you 50 thoughts while watching Tyrannosaurus Wrecks (aka The Eden Formula)…

  1. Wowsers, the opening credits are ultra low budget, complete with swooshing sounds for each name that appears on screen. *swoosh!*
  2. “Smith Laboratories?” “No, Smith and Wesson”, pew pew. Holy shit, this is amazing. I love it already,.
  3. Hey, it’s that guy from things!
  4. Candyman? Was he the Candyman? (Later: Google confirms he, being Tony Todd, is from many great films including a turn as the hook-handed Candyman in 1992’s Candyman).

    download (2)

    You know, this guy.

  5. Oh, the scientists have done the bad thing, you guys.
  6. If you’re not wearing a beret or sunglasses to your heist are you even part of a heist?
  7. Person 1: “Silent but deadly.” Person 2: “Like a fart in church.” #writing
  8. Hahaha oh my god, this is terrible.
  9. Scientists have cloned a dinosaur because anything less dangerous wouldn’t be ‘sexy enough’ for investors.

    tumblr_og0srwzxqm1qelk0yo1_1280

    How do you like me now?

  10. But like, it’s 2006. Haven’t you watched at least three Jurassic Park movies to know this is a horrible idea?
  11. T-wrecks trying to headbutt its way out of the facility is SFX gold.
  12. “Phase two: rock and roll” is the title of my autobiography.
  13. Meanwhile, T-wrecks is still headbutting the wall.
  14. Giant dino poop. High brow.

    images

    “I’m gonna need a bigger bucket”

  15. Hahaha oh my god, the death effects are brilliant.
  16. Cop with a hunch! Yes! Every movie needs one.
  17. The fight scenes are like … Year 10 drama class bad.
  18. T-wrecks is a terrible dino puppet, by the way. I love him!
    download
    His little arms! I die!
  19. The effects are INCREDIBLE.
  20. Oh, and there is a huge bomb for some reason.
  21. These generic heist characters are hilarious.
  22. The cop has kids! As well as a hunch! It’s tough to be a hero!
  23. Oh no, it’s the food buzzer!
  24. “Holy crap cakes”?! Why I have I not been saying this for years?
  25. Wait, they killed the cop?! I did not see that coming.
  26. #acting
  27. 2006. Just going to remind you all this was made in 2006.
  28. I’m 42 minutes into a 78 minute movie and even I’m not sure if I’ll make it.
  29. My friends choreographed better fight scenes than this for their student movies at uni.
  30. Omg though, the movie within a movie is solid freakin’ gold. Can I watch that instead?
  31. They really worked hard for that “it’s sore, not dinosaur” bit. And I’m here for it!
  32. I actually can’t even remember what the actual plot is.
  33. Right, right. The formula.
  34. Person 1: “You never had a girlfriend, did you?” Person 2: “I’m gay.” WHAT IS HAPPENING?
  35. Honestly, where is the science lady driving??
  36. Weird time to add in some ex-military backstory, but ok.
  37.  I still don’t care.
  38. Oh yeah, there’s still a bomb.
  39. Who is the hero in this movie now the cop-with-a-hunch is dead? Who am I rooting for?
  40. Maybe the T-wrecks?

    no29W4G8acOfOHdE4M610foR7o5

    Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?

  41. Are they trying to make it the Science Guy? But it’s all his fault!
  42. This.
  43. Oh BOOM, Security Guy is a turncoat!
  44. Or is the Science Lady now the hero? Honestly this makes no sense.
  45. WHO IS THE PROTAGONIST HERE?
  46. Omg, the blood effects are amazing though.
  47. Oh, so the whole effects budget went on that one explosion. Ok.
  48. Hahaha the boom boxes, what the heck.
  49. Climactic action scene is beyond ridiculous.
  50. What did I just watch? Please send help.

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks was a low budget delight, despite having little plot and no actual protagonist. It rates 2 out of 5 over-sized dino poops.

‘Til next time,

Sig

 

50 Thoughts While Watching Christmas Twister (2012)

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Hi there!

Long time, no see. Have you been working out? Your hair looks amazing.

This week I got really excited when my Insta mate Dylan from @badhorror alerted me to the existence of a flick that seemed to be my absolute ideal holiday viewing: when Christmas movie meets extreme weather movie in 2012’s Christmas Twister.

Christmas Twister! Chris-Twis. Chris-ter. Twist-mas! The possibilities are endless and, even better, Casper Van Dien is there. I mean, come ON!

BUT ALAS. While there are some genuinely inexplicable titles available on tubi (I’m looking at you, Gingerbread Man vs Evil Bong), Australian streaming services let me down yet again and I was stuck watching a terribly rendered version of Christmas Twister on youtube. Such is my dedication to the cause. So look, I suffered through it and here we are again. Merry Christmas.

 

1. Right off the bat, I have a genuine question: do those paper windmill things exist outside of weather movies?

widmill

You know, these things.

2. Radio exposition is the laziest exposition and would hundo p be on my low grade horror movie drinking game.

3. Yes, I said hundo p. I know, I know.

4. Looks like they had to pay for the effects budget from my savings account (which is to say they had about $80).

5. Casper Van Dien got old, you guys!

6. Remember Starship Troopers? Classic. Wish I was watching that instead of this.

7. There’s a dog! If the dog dies, we riot.

8. They are really pushing Casper Van Dien’s character as The Ideal Man (TM). Wonder if he will get his shirt off for no reason.

th

The Ideal Man (TM)

9. If you’re not tidying up your Christmas manger lawn display on your way to study tornadoes are you even a good Texan?

10. At least they have clarified this is indeed a Christmas movie.

11. This movie was made in 2012 but Casper Van Dien’s floppy hair is right out of 2001.

12. There is a lot of talking head exposition happening right now, about ‘hook echoes’ and climate change.

13. “Thanks to years of abuse the environment has finally reached breaking point.” Wait, wait, wait – this movie is actually making a statement about climate change?!

14. I thought it was going to be about a sentient murderous tornado or something.

15. … I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am more than happy to be proven wrong.

16. I just googled ‘hook echo’ and it’s a thing. Also possibly a good band name.

17. Generic sassy children always suck in these movies. No exception here, yawn.

18. Lots of foreboding sky shots.

19. You know what? My dream is to play a random citizen in a movie who says “what the?!” just as the tornado / blizzard / tsunami / creature / volcano / all of the above strikes.

20. I probably would be the idiot instagramming the incoming tornado though. It’s good to acknowledge your own faults.

21. Am I disappointed that this movie is genuinely about climate change and not a sentient murderous tornado or similar?

22. Yes.

23. I mean, logically, no.

24. But yes.

25. “Severe Tornado Outbreak!” (Better band name).

26. “I know this is your issue – that climate change is affecting the weather – but that has got us into trouble before” (and will again, I’d wager #science #climateactionnow )

27. Is the message of this movie – THIS movie! – to actually listen to scientists because they are right about climate change?! Because that’s amazing and bless them and well done.

28. And also, HOW is that actually the message? I LOVE it.

29. Why am I not married to Casper Van Dien and his woke floppy hair?

30. Twister! Right hand yellow! (Kidding, just a regular twister – still not sentient and murderous).

twister

See what I did there?

31. “The city needs you there – on TV – telling them how to feel safe.”

32. Extreme weather is the key to fixing your marital problems, you guys.

33. Here are some random carolers to remind you this movie is actually set at Christmas time.

34. Doggo! No! Stay inside!

35. Christ! We’re only halfway through. Be strong, friends.

36. Mall Santa! #genericchristmasthings

37. Doggo just wandering around town demonstrating how CGI Chris-Twis has (offscreen) turned everything to rubble.

38. A ‘slow drive through aftermath’ is the new ‘blood cloud in the water’ for when your effects budget is limited, is it not?

39. “Hello?”

clippy

40. Hi! I’m Chris-Twis. Looks like you’re denying climate change. Would you like to die by horrible CGI?

41. How to make a montage: slow motion, smoke, piano and drums, EMOTIONS.

42. Doggo! Where are you going? Why do you have your own storyline? Is it better than the main one?

43. I mean I have no doubt that it would be.

44. And how is this still going?

45. The Christmas aspect of this movie is a real let down, frankly.

46. Except now everyone is back in love!

47. Cue shots of sky / flags / patriotism / cows / oil etc.

48. Shirtless! Called it.

49. Doggo is home

50. “Merry Christmas”.

Christmas Twister rates half a CGI tornado out of 5. You can catch me and my new band Severe Tornado Outbreak playing soon at a gig near you.

‘Til next time,

Sig

 

CREATURE FEATURE SUNDAY: 50 Thoughts While Watching Ghost Shark

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It’s Sunday afternoon and my eyes hurt. It’s more likely caused by the smoky bonfire I went to last night than from watching Ghost Shark (2013), but I’m fairly certain Ghost Shark did nothing to help. Let’s jump right in…

  1. You can rarely go wrong with redneck fishermen as your opener, and that’s a creature feature fact.
  2. They are shooting at a great white with a handgun.
  3. And they have a GRENADE! This is excellent.
  4. Poor old sharky has swum his way to a cave to die but the cave is *gasp* some kind of supernatural portally thing?
  5. Ghost Shark is bright blue! And translucent! And DOES NOT MESS ABOUT.
  6. What is a shark movie without gratuitous bikini shots?
  7. There is a crotchety old alcoholic lighthouse keeper. How refreshing.
  8. “You think ghosts are illogical, Sheriff?” (To which my response would probably be: ‘yes, in the context of quality police work if nothing else’, but I am not in the movie).
  9. Classic Shark Movie Mayor. Check.
  10. “The pool party. What if we turn it into a memorial?” (Like, are you after a list of reasons why that is a horrible idea or…? Again, I am not in the movie.)
  11. So Ghost Shark can manifest in ANY water. ANY water!
  12. Good job it’s a pool party!
  13. Ghost Shark has crashed the party via the swimming pool, and a decapitated head just landed on a champagne bottle.
  14. Cheers!
  15. I mean, it IS awkward that the party was at Classic Shark Movie Mayor’s house.
  16. Quick montage of car wash, plumber working on kitchen sink, backyard slip n slide. Were the writers on a round of Family Feud where the question was “places you find water”?
  17. SHARK IN A BUCKET OH MY GOD ALL IS FORGIVEN THIS IS AMAZING! ghostshark1
  18. Do lighthouses have basements? This one does. Is that weird, being built on the coast and all? Anyone with expertise please advise.
  19. Bath tub #placesyoufindwater.
  20. Fashion tip: rather than seeking medical assistance, use a number of decorative belts as a tourniquet, then affect an unconvincing limp.
  21. “It appears in water. Any water. All we gotta do is stay dry.” GENIUS. I mean, that is much of the premise but I am glad we’re all on the same page now.
  22. Museum Exposition Guy has just filled us in on the legend of some lost colony that disappeared forever, town elders keeping it under wraps, blah blah.
  23. Anyone who dies violently in the magical cave will rise again to take their revenge. Again, that seemed kind of obvious but thanks for being there, Museum Exposition Guy.
  24. Oh no, the spell book with the instructions on how to send vengeful spirits back to hell has been stolen! Of all the times!
  25. Spell book? Lame.
  26. Oh wait, this is a movie about a bright blue, translucent ghost shark.
  27. …..
  28. We’ll just run with the spell book thing then.
  29. Fire sprinklers! #placesyoufindwater
  30. This poor bastard was literally only drinking a cup of water:ghostshark2
  31. #placesyoufindwater
  32. NO ONE IS SAFE FROM GHOST SHARK.
  33. Fire hydrant! #placesyoufindwater
  34. Toilet! #placesyoufindwater
  35. So long, Classic Shark Movie Mayor. You were a shit dude.
  36. Evidently, at least according to that stolen spell book, the object that killed Ghost Shark can send him back to hell or whatever.
  37. ….
  38. But it sure didn’t work.
  39. Oh man, this movie isn’t even close to being over, is it?
  40. Wait what, Crotchety Lighthouse Keeper got drunk and murdered his wife in the cave a bunch of years ago?
  41. What?
  42. Things got weirdly dark for a minute there.
  43. Stealing a bunch of dynamite is the next logical step.
  44. Rain! #placesyoufindwater
  45. Ghost Shark is literally diving out of the sky!
  46. It’s like Sharknado but somehow less endearing.ghostshark3
  47. Puddles! #placesyoufindwater
  48. “Bite me, you bitch!”
  49. SLOW MOTION RUNNING AWAY FROM EXPLOSION!
  50. See you in hell, Ghost Shark!

Ghost Shark rates 2 out of 5 vengeful, translucent spirits.

‘Til next time,

Sig

CREATURE FEATURE SUNDAY: 50 Thoughts While Watching Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre

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I can’t remember who told me about Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre (2015), but here we are. I think this one might actually hurt.

  1. Let’s jump right in. Fracking activity seems to have unleashed a spiny prehistoric swamp shark from the depths of the earth.
  2. The Arkansas Department of Corrections has opted for tiny denim shorts and little white singlets as their prison uniform of choice.

    sharkansas01.jpg

    White and denim is the new orange is the new… oh, you get it. Source.

  3. “Ain’t a real man deserve a brewksi?” #scripting #acting #fracking
  4. That’s what you get for drinking on the job, bucko. Shark 1.
  5. Traci Lords is a cop with a newbie sidekick. I predict he will be the first ‘character’ to go.
  6. They’ve stumbled upon bodies inland. Let us speculate over cause of death.
  7. There’s a survivor! He says shark. I think. His ‘traumatised’ acting is awful and incoherent so it’s hard to tell.
  8. Let’s introduce the prisoners – not with names but with a list of their crimes. One of them is in for bootlegging movies. You wouldn’t steal a handbag, you guys.
  9. I am unclear what the purpose of the prisoners’ hard labour is, except for there to be a cleavage-filled digging montage. What are they digging for? We’ll never know.
  10. When you cut your arm and go wash the wound in muddy swamp water… #justbmoviethings
  11. Oh well. Better death by prehistoric shark than septicaemia I suppose.
  12. “Let’s hope this is one big misunderstanding.” What, you mean the whole movie?
  13. So this is actually a mass break out attempt.
  14. With lines like “to be continued, sweetheart – we’re in the middle of a felony here”, this may be the worst thing I have ever seen.
  15. Can the sharks just eat everyone? Please?
  16. Better change clothes out of those really obvious prison uniforms.
  17. One of the guards has made a break for it. Shocking chase scene editing (legs / other legs / legs / other legs / legs / other legs).
  18. Run, Guard dude, run as fast as you can away from this trainwreck.
  19. Aww no. There he goes.
  20. They are literally heading to a cabin in the woods.
  21. Let’s all argue about how terrible this plan is. What a good use of movie time.
  22. They keep calling the Asian prisoner ‘Soy Sauce’. I wish I was lying. What. The. What.
  23. Weird scene about a vintage glass coke bottle? “None of this plastic. It must have been here 80 years.”
  24. In a movie with a couple of porn stars, the line “let’s have a hot bath before bed” did not result in nudity of any kind.
  25. Where the hell are these goddamn sharks in this goddamn massacre?
  26. Oh wait.
  27. They can SWIM THROUGH LAND.
  28. ….
  29. THROUGH LAND!
  30. I think, if I was to make a trashy horror movie drinking game, ‘blood cloud in water’ would be a definite drink.
  31. Hmmm. Must make trashy horror movie drinking game.
  32. Peaches and beans?! Is that a thing?
  33. I googled. It’s a thing.
  34. Geologists are here to save the day / explain situation / be weirdly dressed like a cuban detective.
  35. They’ve been monitoring vibrations. “You mean like ‘good vibrations’, the song?” (Still no nudity).
  36. So, to sum up: Professor Geologist reckons the nearby fracking activity has opened a SUPER HIGHWAY between the earth’s surface and a vast underground ocean.
  37. Sharkosaurus. He just said sharkosaurus!
  38. “Do you think we can make it?” We, the viewers? Not a chance.

    sharkansas-2

    ‘Protect yourselves from these great shark effects!’ Source.

  39. Love is blossoming, you guys! Him: “What do you do when you’re not fleeing prehistoric monsters?” Her: “Five to ten”.
  40. They’ve found a secret cache of weapons and Professor Geologist has filled them in on a range of useful shark facts (guess he had a double major).
  41. The plan seems to be to go underground. Even though the sharks are from underground.
  42. Um, so, the sharks talk to each other like whales.
  43. Hey look, I’m all for character traits and whatnot but having this chick continually say “crap on a cracker” does not equal characterisation.
  44. Where the heck are these sharks? Not nearly enough people have died to call this a massacre.
  45. Are these cops doing anything? What even is this storyline?
  46. Far out. This movie is still going.
  47. This inflatable raft doesn’t seem like a terrible idea AT ALL.
  48. We’ve nearly escaped with our lives so let’s start shooting at the guard who saved us for some reason!
  49. Blood cloud! (Drink!)
  50. Annnd the guard is letting the Asian prisoner go. Probably because they were heaps racist towards her.

Honestly, and my standards for this sort of thing are pretty low, you would think busty women fighting land sharks would somehow be more over-the-top and stupidly fun, right? It was just a bit safe and a bit boring. And those sharks only killed about 10 people. Where was my schlocky gorefest? You promised me a massacre!

Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre rates 1 out of 5 blood clouds in water.

‘Til next time,

Sig

Gilmore Girls Revival: some thoughts and a handy drinking game

Posted in Watching by

It’s here! It’s here! The Gilmore Girls revival finally hit Netflix on Friday! As you know, I was excited of course, but I had worries. It didn’t matter: I was pleased as punch and grinning like a happy cat when I could settle down with some pizza (and other assorted junk food – it’s just how it’s done) to spend six new hours with my Stars Hollow faves.

There are spoilers in this post, kids, so if you weren’t expecting that I suggest you look away now.

lorelai

For the most part, I was very satisfied. It did most of the things it said on the label: it was true to GG form with all of the fast-talking fervour and small town weirdness I expected. The first three episodes in particular were pretty much exactly what I wanted. I didn’t want to say so too early, but it was only halfway through ‘Winter’ when I decided I was totally on board. Holy cow, this was going to be ok! Everyone was there and they were just the same (except Miss Patty – what happened there?). I wasn’t even that annoyed by Logan or Jess or Dean. Paris’ meltdown in the Chilton bathrooms was vintage and perfect and Liza Weil is just the bomb. Kirk’s film. The secret bar. Michel, and Taylor, and all the peeps from Hep Alien (hi Sebastian Bach!).

bach

#netflixandgil

And yet. Yet.

I have been considering many things since finishing the final episode and hearing chatter from friends and online about how the revival was received. A sticking point for so many people seems to be that, actually, Lorelai and Rory don’t end the series having learned very much or changing their self-centred ways. My hopes for Lane Kim were dashed but I wasn’t really surprised that Rory was again treating her as a sounding board and little else. Lorelai and Rory are not great at maintaining their friendships except with each other. I thought there may have been a good opportunity to give balance to Rory/Lane and Lorelai/Sookie given both Gilmore girls were on paths of self-reflection and apparent change, but again it ended with Sookie, much like Lane, catering (literally!) to Lorelai’s every whim and (frustratingly!) apologising for having some agency of her own.

But am I judging too harshly? Lorelai and Rory have never been anything but hugely flawed characters, wrapped in witty, nice-haired packages. Why I expected any more is a mystery, because Gilmore Girls is largely a study in not having your shit together at any age, by choice, by circumstance or by sheer dumb luck. They don’t always make the right decisions or even good decisions but they try and I think that’s what makes them endearing despite their obvious faults. Would it have rung true for either Rory or Lorelai to completely change and become, for want of a better word, better? In a 6 hour story arc, would it have felt untrue to have a complete turnaround that was barely even considered for seven whole seasons? I think so.

Moreover, was it enough that Emily did change? In truth, I think Emily’s arc was the most refreshing of the series. I was banking on those last four words being between Lorelai and Emily, and in a storyline that hung so much on their relationship, it seemed like it may have been a strong possibility. Given the emphasis on the Emily/Lorelai relationship, the sticking point for me was in Emily’s absence from the wedding. I can’t help but feel that action alone would do much to undo the steps the older mother-daughter relationship had been taking. They were getting there and then, suddenly, they weren’t.

And the actual last four words? Part of me wanted to throw my pizza across the room. But Palladino and Co had a tough gig ahead of them – with a vision of how it would end from the very beginning and a bit of work to do to undo the damage of season 7, and with the fact that people and relationships, even in autumnal, lovely Stars Hollow, are hard, who am I to say if they were right or wrong? In a lot of ways they fit perfectly, despite my misgivings around what that development actually means.

Impressively, A Year in the Life tackled grief admirably. Much like the early seasons tackled conflict and issues with deft conversations, the absence of Richard Gilmore was handled perfectly with all the sadness and effectiveness I could have hoped for. There was a presence in his absence and Edward Hermann was there in spirit if not in person. I was sad, but they did him justice.

richard

There is so much more I could say about this revival, but I’ll hold it there. Overall, I’d rate it 8 take-away coffees out of 10. I’d love to hear your thoughts on A Year in the Life. Hit me up in the comments below.

On a lighter, final note, I couldn’t help but think that A Year in the Life was ideal for a drinking game. So I made one. You’re welcome.

One drink for each of the following:

  • The first appearance of favourite supporting character
  • There is an uncomfortably overt modern day reference
  • There is a reference to Stars Hollow / the Dragonfly Inn being out of date
  • Someone pours an alcoholic drink
  • Someone is drinking coffee
  • Paris Gellar steals the scene
  • Kirk steals the scene
  • Rory is writing
  • Lorelai is complaining

Two drinks for each of the following:

  • Hep Alien jam session
  • Town meeting
  • Luke is not wearing his hat

Finish your drink for each of the following:

  • To stem the tears over Richard’s funeral
  • There is a weird musical montage for no apparent reason
  • When one of Rory’s ex-boyfriends appears
  • That whole musical scene. Just keep drinking, folks.
  • The last four words (then open a whole other bottle)

(Drink responsibly, obviously).

‘Til next time,

Sig

CREATURE FEATURE SUNDAY: 50 Thoughts While Watching Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Posted in Watching by

Boasting a tagline of ‘screaming, scratching, biting… and that’s just the girls!’, Mega Python vs Gatoroid (2011) promised to be spectacularly and problematically awful by pitting not only two species of monsters, but also two 80’s pop stars (Tiffany and Debbie Gibson) against each other. We may as well lower our expectations now.

Grab a pizza and a glass of wine. I think we may need it.

pizaa 1.JPG

  1. Rousing soundtrack + Everglades – promising start.
  2. People are stealing snakes for some reason.
  3. Ohhh they’re releasing them from captivity because they are environmentalists.
  4. I must admit I am feeling pretty prepared for this. I have watched a lot of Swamp People.
  5. Except they have banned gator hunting this season, you guys!
  6. Quality acting all round.acting
  7. Quality scripting also. (“Where is this snake?” / “It’s in my pants, wanna see?”)
  8. Python: 1, Gator: 0.
  9. It’s a war on snakes!
  10. What is this, Whacking Day?
  11. Oh. It’s 100% Whacking Day.
  12. Heads can stay alive without their body for up to an hour. I think we’d do well to remember that, folks!
  13. “Pythons aren’t at the top of the food chain. I am!” You tell ’em, Tiff!
  14. Oh, that nest bodes poorly for Perfect Boyfriend.
  15. Snake movies: there is always one poor bastard just tryin’ to pee.
  16. Aww, bye Perfect Boyfriend. You were too sweet to live.
  17. “We need a bigger gator!” Best!
  18. They’ve scored some experimental steroids from a random muscle bro. For indefinite muscle growth. Science!
  19. Ohhhhh, that’s the ‘roid’ in ‘Gatoroid’. I geddit.
  20. “Feeding steroids to gators. What could go wrong?” ACTUAL QUOTE.
  21. Gator growth montage! Yeah!
  22. Did one of the gators just do a push up?
  23. 6 months later and everything is fine, you guys.
  24. Wait, is the whole soundtrack Tiffany/Debbie Gibson songs?
  25. It bloody is.
  26. This is not fine.
  27. “You’re gonna get it you gator-baiting bitch!”
  28. Oh lord, an actual Tiffany vs Debbie cat fight. Yay feminism.
  29. …
  30. Those were conveniently-placed cream pies.
  31. So a horde of gators and pythons are converging on the party. Remember how this movie was meant to be about them and not Tiffany vs Debbie?
  32. No? Me neither.
  33. Everyone took guns to the fancy party. ‘Murica!
  34. “I think we’re alone now.” (I see what you did there).
  35. It’s suddenly day time and their hair hasn’t even dried.
  36. The gators and pythons have hit Miami!
  37. The mall is having a ‘monster Saturday sale’. Zing!
  38. Spraying pheromones from a crop duster to lure them down the highway? Genius!
  39. We have to stay away from that there nuclear facility, he said with a complete lack of foreshadowing.
  40. “You saved my life!” / “We’re stuck in this together!” #girlpower
  41. No, wait. They hate each other again.
  42. Sigh.
  43. Hold the phone! Did they just KILL OFF TIFFANY?!
  44. What the HELL.
  45. Not Debbie too!
  46. No, she’s alive and just being showered with the body parts of blown-up pythons and gators.debbie
  47. Oh hey, remember that thing about heads staying alive for an hour without a body?
  48. I called that!
  49. I was wrong about that whole nuclear facility having anything to do with anything though.
  50. Weird.

 

I’m pretty sad that this was not so much Mega Python vs Gatoroid as Tiffany vs Debbie (it’s like 1987 all over again). In fact, the snakes and gators worked better together than any of the people. So ultimately, who won? Not us, my friends. Not us.

Mega Python vs Gatoroid rates 1 out of 5 ‘roided-up swamp things.

‘Til next time,

Sig