Hooray! Those geniuses at Syfy cannot be stopped. This installment of Creature Feature Sunday looks at that classic tale of top-secret-nanobots-meet-giant-crocodile in Robocroc (2013). They had me at “nature and technology create the world’s most lethal weapon”, frankly.

Let’s be real: the only thing cooler than movie monsters is robots. Robocroc, then, seemed pretty promising as far as concepts go. And yet.

This is how it played out:

1. Ooh, a rocket! Is Robocroc from space?
2. No, it’s crashing.
3. Into a zoo!
4. Nanobots! Yay!
5. We’re seriously not messing about here – that’s 30 whole seconds of exposition so we’re good to go.
6. That is actually more exposition than I anticipated.
7. Apparently no one has noticed a crashing rocket: it is business as usual at the zoo.
8. Oh my. The effects budget was far lower than expected.
9. Corin Nemec is here!
   

   Please help me.

10. “You keep forgetting Stella is an Australian saltwater crocodile, not a shih tzu”. Mate, I’ll tell you about shit zoos – you’re in one.
11. If there isn’t at least one Streetcar-inspired “STELLAAAAA” in this movie I will be so pissed.
12. So, quick review: the army is here, nanobots have got to Stella and turned her into a weapon, space debris was super localised, nothing to see here.
13. This also seems to be the bit where the screenwriters wanted to include all the croc facts they found on wikipedia.
14. Robocroc-vision keeping us ahead of the game – “reboot”, “momentary paralysis”, “food detected”.
15. Stella is losing her hide to a “metallic shimmering substance” which I am guessing is, you know, actual metal and not on-point highlighter.
16. Lion enclosure! “The saltwater crocodile is an apex predator” (#crocfacts). Game on!
17. Oh, the waterslides are still open. Phew.
18. Wait – is the waterpark part of the zoo?
19. …
20. Seriously?
21. Ok then.
22. Gratuitous bikini shots.
23. Most unbelievable scene so far: two empty sun-lounges next to each other in packed waterpark.
24. Comparing scars! Classic movie flirting! Get it, grrl!
25. All the lakes, pools, ponds and lagoons are connected underground because it helps save water. Seems like a health concern to me if you’re a zoo-slash-waterpark… but anyway, shit gon’ get real.
26. That dude is fishing? What the hell kind of zoo allows fishing?
27. …
    

    Totally legitimate zoo activity.

28. Seriously.
29. Might this now be a good time to evacuate the waterpark, maybe? No? Ok.
30. Yawn, this needs to get a move on.
31. Stella is a crocodile disco ball!
32. I don’t have great eyesight, but surely someone has noticed a 25 foot armoured crocodile moving about the place? It doesn’t exactly scream incognito.
33. Oh, they’ve locked people in. Shady government agencies represent.
34. I am sure locking that one gate will help contain the situation given all the interconnected pools and stuff.
35. “A robot crocodile? Like a Transformer or something? Hehehe, Robocroc”. Hey – that’s the name of the movie.
36. There are three ways to shut down the nanobots. Place your bets.
37. Awwwww yeah! That’s the money shot – Robocroc just took out a goddamn chopper.
    

    Weeeeeee!

38. We’ve called in crocodile hunter backup. Wrestling soon please.
39. Scuba diving with tranquilizer guns.
40. Electricity!
41. Your plan did not foil Robocroc. Robocroc is queen.
42. Wrestling. Called it.
43. Actually I am totally on Robocroc’s side at this point. These people are the worst.
44. Jesus Christ, this movie goes for HOURS. (Actual running time: 81 minutes).
45. “Whatever that thing is, it’s still part crocodile”. And part robot. That’s the whole premise. We get it.
46. Everyone is in the sewers for some reason? What is even happening?
47. “What in a croc’s cooch are you doing here?” QUOTE. OF. THE. MOVIE.
48. That is possibly how I will greet people from now on.
49. Electromagnetic pulse time.
50. No one shouted “Stellaaaaa”. Missed opportunity.

In a nutshell? Genuinely terrible. Robocroc rates 1 out of 5 poorly planned adventure parks.

‘Til next time,

Creature Feature Sunday was on again this weekend. I settled down with a beer and a big bowl of popcorn for this interpretation of the classic man vs jungle vs giant genetically-modified wasp story. We’ve all been there.

It’s actually the sort of thing I was looking for when I watched Monsters (2010). On the surface, Monsters seemed to have a similarly promising ‘jungle/monsters/run for your lives’ kind of vibe, but it ended up being quite an understated, smart movie. (Monsters, if you were wondering, does have legit monsters, but they take a side seat to the main characters’ metaphorical internal monsters. At the time this struck me as disappointing, but on reflection, it was kind of cleverly done even if it didn’t deliver the exploding head quota I was looking for).

Dragon Wasps, happily, is neither understated nor smart. Hot entomologist and friend team up with the US Army to find her missing father in the jungle. Hijinks obviously ensue, including gunfire-riddled encounters with voodoo drug dealer Jaguar and his guerrilla buddies and – of course – a swarm of fire spitting, armoured, terrible CGI dragon wasps.

Corin Nemec (of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose and Stargate SG1 fame) heads the up Army unit and, bless his cotton socks, he’s really on board and doing his best with his latest run of creature features (Sand Sharks, Jurassic Attack, Robocroc and more), thus solidifying his potential as my future husband substantially.

But back to the dragon wasps. I’m no entomologist, so thank goodness the scientists were there to inform me, after an extensive examination, that dragon wasps are “basically giant wasps” (direct quote; not even joking). Their obvious smarts don’t save them from mistaking bricks of cocaine for bricks of C4 plastic explosive though. Gosh darn, you guys. How was she supposed to know? It’s fine though, because cocaine is dragon wasp repellent so… The moral of the story seems to be a) screwing with nature is bad b) cocaine saves the day. No, wait. That can’t be right, surely? And yet.

Basically giant wasps, you say? What tipped you off?

With a good amount of blood spatter, fire, and more than one exploding head, Dragon Wasps rates 2.5 out of 5 worker bees.

‘Til next time,

Back in May, Sharknado 2: The Second One was added to the Netflix Australia catalogue with apparently limited fanfare, because I had no idea. Happily though, while I was in search of something from the so-bad-it’s-good genre, there it was. Hurrah! Creature Feature Sunday, a time-honoured though usually hangover-induced tradition in my household, is back in action.

Here are my 50 thoughts from Sharknado 2. Spoiler alert, guys. Spoiler alert. In a big way.

1. Oooh, we’re on a plane. Sharks on a plane?! I hope so!
2. Is that Kelly Osborne?
3. Ian Ziering… so weathered.
4. Get it? Weathered?
5. He’s not enjoying this flight at all.
6. Am I?
7. Yeah, of course I am.
8. “It is happening again.” They are flying through sharks, you guys! FLYING through sharks!
9. Good job Tara Reid’s character wrote a bestselling book on surviving a Sharknado.
10. Ian Ziering is going to fly the plane!
11. Hey, the oxygen masks haven’t dropped (which is clearly the main issue when passengers are being decapitated by sharks).
12. He’s coming in hot!
13. Tara Reid loses a hand while hanging out of an airplane shooting at a shark?! This is AMAZING!
14. It’s suddenly day time?
15. Credits! Theme song! Actual theme song!
16. Holy shit, Mark McGrath is aging worse than Ian Ziering. Let the hair go, man. Let it go.
17. Lock down the city! Call the mayor!
18. Oooh, mention of prosthetics – this bodes very well. Please be a gun or similar.
19. “It’s like he knew who I was!” If this is a shark revenge movie I will be so happy!
20. Why does the weather report have animated sharks and yet no one is taking Ian Ziering seriously? Listen to Steve from 90210, New Yorkers! Jeez.
21. Call the port authority! Call the fire department!
22. There is A LOT of exposition happening by cell phone right now.
23. Sassy cab drivers are an under-utilised plot device though, aren’t they.
24. “Last thing I wanted was to hit a home run for my Pops”. FORESHADOWING! Your time is soon, retired baseball dude. I can feel it.
25. THERE HE GOES!
26. Sharks actively chasing the ferry doesn’t seem congruent with the idea that sharks just get caught up in a storm though.
27. But I’ll run with it.
28. ….
29. WORTH IT.
30. Gator? What?
31. Oh never mind. Shark got him.
32. No chainsaws in Manhattan? Gee, we really take Bunnings for granted.
33. It’s like Indiana Jones outrunning the boulder, but with Liberty’s head. Couldn’t they just…. move to the side? Come on, ladies.
34. Thanks for keeping the exposition on track, news dudes. Storms are converging!
35. Theme song montage! Yeah!
36. I googled the theme song band, who are called Quint. Like in Jaws. Well played.
37. Suggested TMZ-style headline: Tara Reid finds a new outfit / time to accessorise while absconding from hospital.
38. ‘Jumped the shark’ reference after jumping across the backs of several sharks James Bond Live and Let Die/alligator style. Yessss.
39. Not sure how bombs fired into sharknado will help?
40. “This is the Big Apple. When something bites us, we bite back!” ‘MURICA!
41. So if the bombs don’t work, freezing it will somehow work. Science is hard.
42. Ohhh, it’s going to take the power out of the storm.
43. “Shark falling rates of 2 inches per hour” – weatherwoman, actual quote.
44. Followed by motivational speech and chainsaw hero shot. Oh yeah!
45. She’s replaced her hand with a saw! A SAW!!
46. Why is everyone on the street? What did they think would happen when sharks started falling from the sky?
47. Scrap that – I don’t even care. IN AIR CHAINSAW SHARK FIGHT.
48. RIDING a shark to the spire of the Empire State Building? You had me at hello, Ian Ziering.
49. I have just shouted “It’s her hand! It’s HER HAND!” to my empty living room.
50. Actual applause.

Sharknado 2 rates 4 out of 10 jumped sharks.