I can’t remember who told me about Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre (2015), but here we are. I think this one might actually hurt.

1. Let’s jump right in. Fracking activity seems to have unleashed a spiny prehistoric swamp shark from the depths of the earth.
2. The Arkansas Department of Corrections has opted for tiny denim shorts and little white singlets as their prison uniform of choice.
   

   White and denim is the new orange is the new… oh, you get it. Source.

3. “Ain’t a real man deserve a brewksi?” #scripting #acting #fracking
4. That’s what you get for drinking on the job, bucko. Shark 1.
5. Traci Lords is a cop with a newbie sidekick. I predict he will be the first ‘character’ to go.
6. They’ve stumbled upon bodies inland. Let us speculate over cause of death.
7. There’s a survivor! He says shark. I think. His ‘traumatised’ acting is awful and incoherent so it’s hard to tell.
8. Let’s introduce the prisoners – not with names but with a list of their crimes. One of them is in for bootlegging movies. You wouldn’t steal a handbag, you guys.
9. I am unclear what the purpose of the prisoners’ hard labour is, except for there to be a cleavage-filled digging montage. What are they digging for? We’ll never know.
10. When you cut your arm and go wash the wound in muddy swamp water… #justbmoviethings
11. Oh well. Better death by prehistoric shark than septicaemia I suppose.
12. “Let’s hope this is one big misunderstanding.” What, you mean the whole movie?
13. So this is actually a mass break out attempt.
14. With lines like “to be continued, sweetheart – we’re in the middle of a felony here”, this may be the worst thing I have ever seen.
15. Can the sharks just eat everyone? Please?
16. Better change clothes out of those really obvious prison uniforms.
17. One of the guards has made a break for it. Shocking chase scene editing (legs / other legs / legs / other legs / legs / other legs).
18. Run, Guard dude, run as fast as you can away from this trainwreck.
19. Aww no. There he goes.
20. They are literally heading to a cabin in the woods.
21. Let’s all argue about how terrible this plan is. What a good use of movie time.
22. They keep calling the Asian prisoner ‘Soy Sauce’. I wish I was lying. What. The. What.
23. Weird scene about a vintage glass coke bottle? “None of this plastic. It must have been here 80 years.”
24. In a movie with a couple of porn stars, the line “let’s have a hot bath before bed” did not result in nudity of any kind.
25. Where the hell are these goddamn sharks in this goddamn massacre?
26. Oh wait.
27. They can SWIM THROUGH LAND.
28. ….
29. THROUGH LAND!
30. I think, if I was to make a trashy horror movie drinking game, ‘blood cloud in water’ would be a definite drink.
31. Hmmm. Must make trashy horror movie drinking game.
32. Peaches and beans?! Is that a thing?
33. I googled. It’s a thing.
34. Geologists are here to save the day / explain situation / be weirdly dressed like a cuban detective.
35. They’ve been monitoring vibrations. “You mean like ‘good vibrations’, the song?” (Still no nudity).
36. So, to sum up: Professor Geologist reckons the nearby fracking activity has opened a SUPER HIGHWAY between the earth’s surface and a vast underground ocean.
37. Sharkosaurus. He just said sharkosaurus!
38. “Do you think we can make it?” We, the viewers? Not a chance.
    

    ‘Protect yourselves from these great shark effects!’ Source.

39. Love is blossoming, you guys! Him: “What do you do when you’re not fleeing prehistoric monsters?” Her: “Five to ten”.
40. They’ve found a secret cache of weapons and Professor Geologist has filled them in on a range of useful shark facts (guess he had a double major).
41. The plan seems to be to go underground. Even though the sharks are from underground.
42. Um, so, the sharks talk to each other like whales.
43. Hey look, I’m all for character traits and whatnot but having this chick continually say “crap on a cracker” does not equal characterisation.
44. Where the heck are these sharks? Not nearly enough people have died to call this a massacre.
45. Are these cops doing anything? What even is this storyline?
46. Far out. This movie is still going.
47. This inflatable raft doesn’t seem like a terrible idea AT ALL.
48. We’ve nearly escaped with our lives so let’s start shooting at the guard who saved us for some reason!
49. Blood cloud! (Drink!)
50. Annnd the guard is letting the Asian prisoner go. Probably because they were heaps racist towards her.

Honestly, and my standards for this sort of thing are pretty low, you would think busty women fighting land sharks would somehow be more over-the-top and stupidly fun, right? It was just a bit safe and a bit boring. And those sharks only killed about 10 people. Where was my schlocky gorefest? You promised me a massacre!

Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre rates 1 out of 5 blood clouds in water.

‘Til next time,

Boasting a tagline of ‘screaming, scratching, biting… and that’s just the girls!’, Mega Python vs Gatoroid (2011) promised to be spectacularly and problematically awful by pitting not only two species of monsters, but also two 80’s pop stars (Tiffany and Debbie Gibson) against each other. We may as well lower our expectations now.

Grab a pizza and a glass of wine. I think we may need it.

1. Rousing soundtrack + Everglades – promising start.
2. People are stealing snakes for some reason.
3. Ohhh they’re releasing them from captivity because they are environmentalists.
4. I must admit I am feeling pretty prepared for this. I have watched a lot of Swamp People.
5. Except they have banned gator hunting this season, you guys!
6. Quality acting all round.
7. Quality scripting also. (“Where is this snake?” / “It’s in my pants, wanna see?”)
8. Python: 1, Gator: 0.
9. It’s a war on snakes!
10. What is this, Whacking Day?
11. Oh. It’s 100% Whacking Day.
12. Heads can stay alive without their body for up to an hour. I think we’d do well to remember that, folks!
13. “Pythons aren’t at the top of the food chain. I am!” You tell ’em, Tiff!
14. Oh, that nest bodes poorly for Perfect Boyfriend.
15. Snake movies: there is always one poor bastard just tryin’ to pee.
16. Aww, bye Perfect Boyfriend. You were too sweet to live.
17. “We need a bigger gator!” Best!
18. They’ve scored some experimental steroids from a random muscle bro. For indefinite muscle growth. Science!
19. Ohhhhh, that’s the ‘roid’ in ‘Gatoroid’. I geddit.
20. “Feeding steroids to gators. What could go wrong?” ACTUAL QUOTE.
21. Gator growth montage! Yeah!
22. Did one of the gators just do a push up?
23. 6 months later and everything is fine, you guys.
24. Wait, is the whole soundtrack Tiffany/Debbie Gibson songs?
25. It bloody is.
26. This is not fine.
27. “You’re gonna get it you gator-baiting bitch!”
28. Oh lord, an actual Tiffany vs Debbie cat fight. Yay feminism.
29. …
30. Those were conveniently-placed cream pies.
31. So a horde of gators and pythons are converging on the party. Remember how this movie was meant to be about them and not Tiffany vs Debbie?
32. No? Me neither.
33. Everyone took guns to the fancy party. ‘Murica!
34. “I think we’re alone now.” (I see what you did there).
35. It’s suddenly day time and their hair hasn’t even dried.
36. The gators and pythons have hit Miami!
37. The mall is having a ‘monster Saturday sale’. Zing!
38. Spraying pheromones from a crop duster to lure them down the highway? Genius!
39. We have to stay away from that there nuclear facility, he said with a complete lack of foreshadowing.
40. “You saved my life!” / “We’re stuck in this together!” #girlpower
41. No, wait. They hate each other again.
42. Sigh.
43. Hold the phone! Did they just KILL OFF TIFFANY?!
44. What the HELL.
45. Not Debbie too!
46. No, she’s alive and just being showered with the body parts of blown-up pythons and gators.
47. Oh hey, remember that thing about heads staying alive for an hour without a body?
48. I called that!
49. I was wrong about that whole nuclear facility having anything to do with anything though.
50. Weird.

I’m pretty sad that this was not so much Mega Python vs Gatoroid as Tiffany vs Debbie (it’s like 1987 all over again). In fact, the snakes and gators worked better together than any of the people. So ultimately, who won? Not us, my friends. Not us.

Mega Python vs Gatoroid rates 1 out of 5 ‘roided-up swamp things.

‘Til next time,

Hooray! Those geniuses at Syfy cannot be stopped. This installment of Creature Feature Sunday looks at that classic tale of top-secret-nanobots-meet-giant-crocodile in Robocroc (2013). They had me at “nature and technology create the world’s most lethal weapon”, frankly.

Let’s be real: the only thing cooler than movie monsters is robots. Robocroc, then, seemed pretty promising as far as concepts go. And yet.

This is how it played out:

1. Ooh, a rocket! Is Robocroc from space?
2. No, it’s crashing.
3. Into a zoo!
4. Nanobots! Yay!
5. We’re seriously not messing about here – that’s 30 whole seconds of exposition so we’re good to go.
6. That is actually more exposition than I anticipated.
7. Apparently no one has noticed a crashing rocket: it is business as usual at the zoo.
8. Oh my. The effects budget was far lower than expected.
9. Corin Nemec is here!
   

   Please help me.

10. “You keep forgetting Stella is an Australian saltwater crocodile, not a shih tzu”. Mate, I’ll tell you about shit zoos – you’re in one.
11. If there isn’t at least one Streetcar-inspired “STELLAAAAA” in this movie I will be so pissed.
12. So, quick review: the army is here, nanobots have got to Stella and turned her into a weapon, space debris was super localised, nothing to see here.
13. This also seems to be the bit where the screenwriters wanted to include all the croc facts they found on wikipedia.
14. Robocroc-vision keeping us ahead of the game – “reboot”, “momentary paralysis”, “food detected”.
15. Stella is losing her hide to a “metallic shimmering substance” which I am guessing is, you know, actual metal and not on-point highlighter.
16. Lion enclosure! “The saltwater crocodile is an apex predator” (#crocfacts). Game on!
17. Oh, the waterslides are still open. Phew.
18. Wait – is the waterpark part of the zoo?
19. …
20. Seriously?
21. Ok then.
22. Gratuitous bikini shots.
23. Most unbelievable scene so far: two empty sun-lounges next to each other in packed waterpark.
24. Comparing scars! Classic movie flirting! Get it, grrl!
25. All the lakes, pools, ponds and lagoons are connected underground because it helps save water. Seems like a health concern to me if you’re a zoo-slash-waterpark… but anyway, shit gon’ get real.
26. That dude is fishing? What the hell kind of zoo allows fishing?
27. …
    

    Totally legitimate zoo activity.

28. Seriously.
29. Might this now be a good time to evacuate the waterpark, maybe? No? Ok.
30. Yawn, this needs to get a move on.
31. Stella is a crocodile disco ball!
32. I don’t have great eyesight, but surely someone has noticed a 25 foot armoured crocodile moving about the place? It doesn’t exactly scream incognito.
33. Oh, they’ve locked people in. Shady government agencies represent.
34. I am sure locking that one gate will help contain the situation given all the interconnected pools and stuff.
35. “A robot crocodile? Like a Transformer or something? Hehehe, Robocroc”. Hey – that’s the name of the movie.
36. There are three ways to shut down the nanobots. Place your bets.
37. Awwwww yeah! That’s the money shot – Robocroc just took out a goddamn chopper.
    

    Weeeeeee!

38. We’ve called in crocodile hunter backup. Wrestling soon please.
39. Scuba diving with tranquilizer guns.
40. Electricity!
41. Your plan did not foil Robocroc. Robocroc is queen.
42. Wrestling. Called it.
43. Actually I am totally on Robocroc’s side at this point. These people are the worst.
44. Jesus Christ, this movie goes for HOURS. (Actual running time: 81 minutes).
45. “Whatever that thing is, it’s still part crocodile”. And part robot. That’s the whole premise. We get it.
46. Everyone is in the sewers for some reason? What is even happening?
47. “What in a croc’s cooch are you doing here?” QUOTE. OF. THE. MOVIE.
48. That is possibly how I will greet people from now on.
49. Electromagnetic pulse time.
50. No one shouted “Stellaaaaa”. Missed opportunity.

In a nutshell? Genuinely terrible. Robocroc rates 1 out of 5 poorly planned adventure parks.

‘Til next time,

Creature Feature Sunday was on again this weekend. I settled down with a beer and a big bowl of popcorn for this interpretation of the classic man vs jungle vs giant genetically-modified wasp story. We’ve all been there.

It’s actually the sort of thing I was looking for when I watched Monsters (2010). On the surface, Monsters seemed to have a similarly promising ‘jungle/monsters/run for your lives’ kind of vibe, but it ended up being quite an understated, smart movie. (Monsters, if you were wondering, does have legit monsters, but they take a side seat to the main characters’ metaphorical internal monsters. At the time this struck me as disappointing, but on reflection, it was kind of cleverly done even if it didn’t deliver the exploding head quota I was looking for).

Dragon Wasps, happily, is neither understated nor smart. Hot entomologist and friend team up with the US Army to find her missing father in the jungle. Hijinks obviously ensue, including gunfire-riddled encounters with voodoo drug dealer Jaguar and his guerrilla buddies and – of course – a swarm of fire spitting, armoured, terrible CGI dragon wasps.

Corin Nemec (of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose and Stargate SG1 fame) heads the up Army unit and, bless his cotton socks, he’s really on board and doing his best with his latest run of creature features (Sand Sharks, Jurassic Attack, Robocroc and more), thus solidifying his potential as my future husband substantially.

But back to the dragon wasps. I’m no entomologist, so thank goodness the scientists were there to inform me, after an extensive examination, that dragon wasps are “basically giant wasps” (direct quote; not even joking). Their obvious smarts don’t save them from mistaking bricks of cocaine for bricks of C4 plastic explosive though. Gosh darn, you guys. How was she supposed to know? It’s fine though, because cocaine is dragon wasp repellent so… The moral of the story seems to be a) screwing with nature is bad b) cocaine saves the day. No, wait. That can’t be right, surely? And yet.

Basically giant wasps, you say? What tipped you off?

With a good amount of blood spatter, fire, and more than one exploding head, Dragon Wasps rates 2.5 out of 5 worker bees.

‘Til next time,